A New Me

Fire Tower

2010-05-23T22:27:00.002-04:00

I was driving to church the other day... a trip I have made weekly for the past 3 1/2 years... when suddenly an image flashed in my mind. It was quick.. and brought tears to my eyes.

Fire- my life... fire is powerful. It can be used for good... to destroy to then bring about new life. Fire can be devastating if ignored and not contained.

Tower- climb to the top... closer to Christ. Let him be the one to lead me out of the fire and thrive beyond it.

Simple.. To appreciate the tower.. there must be fire.

Spiraling

2010-01-01T10:23:00.003-05:00

Following the Autumn tradition of worn out leaves falling from the branches to the forest floor below.... of course I procrastinate and do it a few weeks later. I have followed that same spiral decent. Not a one way trip however; zig zagging from the right and the wrong. Knowing the right way is up

segway- as I walk forward I have to watch the ground so I do not trip. I must STOP I must take a few moments throughout my day and LOOK UP. He is there watching me, waiting on me to ask HIM for help.

cont...Knowing the right way is up, I must stop when the gravitational pull is so strong and look UP to HIM. HE will deliver me out of the pull of sin and redirect me. It really IS simple; all I have to do it LOOK UP and ASK for HIM.

when I don't look up
when I don't put HIM first
when I allow the spiral to pull me down... zig zagging all the way between desire and His will... I get stuck.
Stuck in the Muck

The Muck is deep and grabs hold of my feet. It does allow me to move, but will not release me from its grasp. It has perserverance I do not have on my own. The patient muck likes me there... it covers my feet. I try to get away, it splashes up on my legs... the more I try to get out the muck flys throgh the air and lands on my body. I wipe it away but my hands get covered. I can not shake it off. The more I shake the more falls all over me. It is on my hands, my arms, it splashes on my face. The muck doesn't taste bad... this is surprising. I can not get away from it, maybe I should just enjoy it. The next thing I know I am rolling around like a swine after a good rain storm. The muck has covered me. I am thorougly enjoying the cool sensation all over me like an embrace. It is the WRONG embrace!

How did I get here?
Simple answer..
I stopped looking up EVERY DAY.

Long answer...
I listened to the wrong music
I listened to the wrong voice
I looked to the wrong inspiration
I looked to the wrong things to fill me
I wanted to hold the wrong things
I should have held the Bible more
I wanted to taste the sweet sugar of sin
I need to taste the nourishment of whole foods and the Word.
I did not honor my priorites or my Lord

I am so blessed with the ability to wake up, reflect and learn from my choices.
I was complacent in my success of the past year. I got cocky and woke up in the muck.
Dear God please smack me across the face and shake me when I stray from you. Throw the Bible upon my head, or across my hands. Pull me from the muck, shake me off, shower me in your holy waters and guide the way you have planned for me.

I have so many challenges ahead of me...
I will look up to you for guidence. I will stop and listen. Please show me what your will is for me. I will be patient for your answer, and will not be frustrated when your timing is before mine.

Blessed is the person who has Jesus in heart.

Blessed is the person who has a friend.

Blessed is the person who has potential to grow and wisdom to listen to HIM

Blessed is the person who is not complacent and wants to grow to be a better version of themselves.

Blessed is the person who is willing to do the hard work with HIM.

Blessed is the person who forgives themselves for playing in the muck, for GOD has already forgiven him.

Blessed is the person who has one other person willing to go through all the splashing in the muck to enjoy bathing in the word of the Lord together, doing the hard work together and becoming better versions of themselved togehter.

Blessed I am.

12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)

2010 is here

2010-01-01T02:06:00.002-05:00

Well two hours into the new year.

The past week has been hard... but that is the past.

Right now is the future... so my goals are..

#1 GOD first
Love, family and friends will follow.

#2 know my priorities.. and follow them
faith- daily time with GOD
self improvement- take care of my health, college a priority
family health- a healthy mom is a healthy family
financial- tithe, safe, manage and prioritize.
fun- one really fun family event each month
unplug- one day a month.. or even one day a week!
give- of our time, our talents, our treasures... both of us.
bedtime- respect this time and embrace it!

I am sure there is more.. but it is 2am January 1,2010... time to sleep.

-Maria

I am sitting at starbucks.. thinking...

2009-11-27T14:10:00.002-05:00

I have spent the better of the past 4 hours working on schoolwork at the wifi available starbucks. Quantitive Mathmatics is starting to burn a hole in my screen and in my head... so time to people watch for a bit.

A couple sits next to me.
20 ish.. definitly a "couple" because they are squabbling like they have been married for years.
He wants to sit outside, she wants to sit inside.
He says no- "it is too hot inside", she says "sit down, be still you will be fine for a few minutes. "
He sits, not still.
HE takes cigaretts out of his pocket, slams them on the table,apparently trying to make a point.
They stare at each other, not loving glances.
In no less than two minutes he gets up and leaves.
She.. duitifully or ingnorantly... follows.

So- I wonder.
Why are they together.
Does she like to be treated like this?
Does he like to treat her like this?
Do they like treating eachother like this?
Do they accept being treated like this?
Is the sex good? that is why they are together?
what is the reason?
what was my reason?
I felt too old!
when I settled
I felt like I would not get any better..
so I settled
I thought monetary provision was important
so I settled

I am so thankful (today the day after thanksgiving)
that I will not settle...
I have expectations, I will not settle less for
I have non-negotiables, I will not alter for
I have hopes and dreams, I will not alow to be squashed for
I will be admired, adored and appreciated, I will not settle for
I will be playful, mischevious, and hopeful, I will not settle for

My first love will be GOD. He will continue to praise my worthiness, my ability, provide his joy, love his beautiful child, and provide for me as long as I continue to talk to Him and love Him and listen to Him. As I continue to chose His will, and not the sins of the flesh, or of the world He will show me more than I can imagine!

I will be alone for as long as it takes for the right person to come into my life, join my life, enhance our lives and we both earn the right to create a life together.

God bless the longing in my heart for an amazing relationship with a man, the right timeing for that man, and acceptance of it being of your will, and desire to create a new, blended, healthy Godly family.
AMEN

ONE- Singular Sensation

2009-08-09T08:34:00.000-04:00

(imagine the music playing.. then.. singing)

"One
Singular Sensation --- Every little step she makes."

(fade out)

That song has been ringing in my ears all morning.
I don't know how to be one.

I know how to be a mom
I know how to be a friend
I know how to be a daughter
I know how to be an Aunt
I know how to be a sister
I know how to be a teacher
I don't know how to be just me.

Who am I, what do I want, who do I want to be... when I am just one?

I want to be more than busy
I want to be fulfilled
I want to be more than obligated to my to do list
I want to wake up excited about the day
I want to no longer talk negatively to myself
I want to embrace the adventure of discovering myself again.

I want to learn who I am
I want to learn what it is that excites me
I want to embrace the new me that is just under the surface ready to explode and enjoy all life has to offer.

miss my bff

2009-08-08T01:12:00.000-04:00

SO it is late at night... and I am alone.
so I am reading blogs.. which I wish I could do more often.
but I just read and got updated on my bff blog.

We both have been so busy with our own vacations and business of summer.
School starts this week and we are not going to have a shared child this year, so I will miss our daily adventures together.

I really thought after the end of last school year I would get "dumped" and she would move on. I must say I am so happy we have been able to see each other as much as we have. And I have a new name Aunt Madea, or sometimes just Madea. I love it.

Bff- you rock and I am glad we are going to get back into the swing of the schedule and lunch bunch again.

I am blessed to have you as a friend!
Love ya
Madea

Would the real Maria Dea stand up?

2009-07-12T20:26:00.000-04:00

Who am I?
What do I want?
Why do I want what I want?
How far am I willing to go to get what I want?
but

What DO I want?
but
Who AM I?

So today was Biker Sunday. I really would love to ride a Harley. I once wanted to be a "Biker Bitch," yes that is what I called it. I wanted a teal Harley- I had it all picked out. I wanted the black leather and all.
But today, in this time period, I am a large woman trapped in the clothing style offered by the plus sized stores and conservative in nature.
Inside is some girl, maybe woman, who wants to get out.
Is she respectable and polished and shops at Talbots?
Is she organic, shopping at 2nd hand stores and wearing patchouli?
Is she that biker bitch with tats and leather?

I presume I may be somewhere between now and the biker bitch?
Or possibly a combination of all of the above.

Hmmm

God- please show me who I am, what I want and where I should go. I do know I am your child who is loved, I know I want to please you and I know I should continue to follow your path. I wonder what that looks like, who I will be with, and where it will take me.

I wonder will I know the real Maria Dea when she stands up?

College Bound

2009-07-01T22:39:00.001-04:00

Congratulations to me!!

I started back to college today! In three years, 2012-2013, I expect to be a
SC Certified Special Education Teacher. Despite all the reasons I could list as to why this is not the time... this is the perfect time. Get up, wipe myself off, and take the world on! I will be a strong woman and I will teach my daughter to be strong too. Until she is 18, I fully intend on her needing me and will care for her and enjoy every minute of it! I am blessed to be her Mama!

Congratulations to all 40+ single moms who find strength in their challenges!

My GOD PEOPLE

2009-06-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

My friend Kimmarie just had a birthday. She is one of the most important people in my life... so I took the opportunity to tell her. About 7 years ago we met. At that time I was wondering what God was going to do for me. She, ever so quietly, taught me to think differently as she demonstrated with her own God filled life. When I was brave enough, or some would argue smart enough, she showed me how to take one step at a time. After I asked for help, sometimes she was not so quiet. I think I needed that. She was the one most important person who showed me turning to God is what I need to do.

So I was thinking.... Who are my GOD PEOPLE?

Well... Kimmarie of course!

My MOM! She took my brother and I to church for the majority of our childhood. I wish she did not stop but I do believe that this was a foundation of good I would remember in my life, even when I wasn't acting so good. Thank you Mom for loving me unconditionally!

My Brother!! He returned to church long before I did. He would answer my questions. He would never judge. He would never preach. He taught me to pray to God so HE could make our challenges become lessons, for Him to put the right friends and resources in our path. Scott is a strong man for his wife, children, friends and his church. I am so proud of him!

The BODY of LifePoint- Every person who said "hi" each Sunday I went to LifePoint. Every one of them was GOD telling me this was the place to be. I eventually connected to small groups, bible studies and even worked in the church office. What an amazing place to grow up a baby Christian.

...to be continued...

WHY?!?

2009-06-14T23:36:00.001-04:00

Why does his choices effect us so?
Why did he make the choice to not fight for us?
Why were we not worth fighting for?
Why is he a coward, taking the easy way out?
Why did he choose to leave?

Why does he get to leave?
to live single
to live at the beach
to work and play at his whim
to travel and golf and more
to send gifts in the mail
to speak bubblegum words on the phone
to make promises fit for a princess
to have all the fun and no discipline

Why does he get to take for years then leave?
to leave me with age and less time
to leave me with low pay, low time, and low education
to leave with a house to sell
a child to raise
a degree to earn
to judge me?

Why does he get to leave, but I still have to
depend on him for money
get his "approval" to pay for school
ask him to pay for doctors appts

Why can't he just leave, and be gone?
why must we have to talk
why must I explain why he can't visit
why must I explain why he left
why must I explain why we could not go
why must he continue to give her false hope

Why do I still let him effect me this way?
Why can't I just not care?

When can I be strong... always?
When can I move on financially?
When can I move out of his house?
When can I stop crying?
When can I be brave... always?

a mask

2009-06-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

The masks we wear have layers, like the true nature of paper mache.

Paper mache is weak and translucent if there are not enough layers.
My mask is transparent around my family and friends.
My mask is transparent if I trust the wrong people.
My mask is transparent if I do not properly edit myself.

Paper mache is perfect with just the right amount of layers.
My mask is perfect if I think before I speak or act.
My mask is perfect when I wear it at appropriate times.
Paper mache can loose its strength, form and structure if too layered.
My mask is so layered, it has weighed me down.
It has pulled me down, strained my neck, my back and crashed to the ground. It shattered upon impact.
My mask is not there to protect me from my raw emotions.
I no longer have it to hide from my fears.
I no longer have it to falsely display my strength.
I not longer have ti to say I am fine.
I no longer have it to say I am "handling" it all.

As I write I know I need to allow my over layered, heavy mask to pull me down to my knees. Fall to my knees, swollen eyes, tears, sobbing, physical weakness given over to HIM. Lord I praise you with thanksgiving for all your love and possibilities in my life. Lord I pray to hear your desires for me. Lord I want to hear when to be strong and when to "handle it" and maybe more importantly, when to back off, give it to you and let it go. Lord I thank you for all the wonderful family and friends who truly love me and I love them. Lord I pray to have the discernment when to know what relationships are toxic for me and when to keep distance and have peace with it.
Lord thank you for loving me
Lord thank you for working with me every day
Lord thank you for my girl, and everything she is.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
Psalm 29:10-11

I'M READY!

2009-04-26T23:18:00.000-04:00

I am ready!

for what?

I am ready....
to move forward
to embrace single parenting
to love my life
to really trust GOD
to celebrate
to dance
to laugh daily
to experience joy
to play with my girl
to cry with my girl
to grow with my girl
to really trust
to trust ridiculously
to play ball with my dog
to enjoy nature
to discover myself
to move forward
to be open for anything
to be ready for the worst
to pray for the best
to know I will have what I need
to know I will succeed
to depend on my friends
to ask for help
to accept help
to work hard
to study hard
to pray harder
to be the best I can be
to be happy with what I have
to long for love not material things
to know my girl will be fine
to know I will be fine
to know our Father will take care of us
to know He has unconditional love for us
to know He is always there
to remember to ask Him
to truly trust in HIM
to be patient for His answers

Speeling

2009-04-22T23:06:00.000-04:00

I wish I could spell Celebrashin!

Earth Day Birthday Celbration?

2009-04-22T23:02:00.000-04:00

At 8:15 this morning I challenged the second grade class to tell me what Earth Day was for...
No one really had an idea, so I shared my theory with them. In 1970 Earth Day was created. That is a fact. I believe that just after my 2nd birthday the Earth was so happy that I was born that it had to celebrate. Thus the reason for Earth Day. The earth so loved me it created the holiday.
... I don't think they bought into my idea. But did they learn what Earth Day is all about?

The cliff

2009-04-16T22:50:00.000-04:00

Today I have been wondering what to do...

Not just for today, but a decision that will effect the next few years,
maybe my life. Not just for me, but for A.

It is the gray area I am in. Do you know that insurance commercial where it describes a life event (wedding day, new child born) and the person is "there" standing in the middle of the red circle that represents "there." Well I am there but the circle is granite gray.

Suddenly I visualized my cliff. I am on the edge. Will I step off the edge and and fall to the rocky below, or will I step off and fly. What action will effect the income? I don't know! I don't know if it is my decision, I don't know if it is even in my control. I know He will provide for me. I do know that I must also try and make some effort on my own- show initiative.

so.. my friends gave me some great advice..."they are here for me!"
YEAH I have the best friends!!!!!
then the charmer... a quote shared brought tears to my eyes!

“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!”

I really believe my cliff is not a prelude to the crash and burn in the rocks.
I know that I will find something solid to stand on, or taught to fly.

I am ready, I am listening... waiting to know what to decide. Then I will know what the next step (or flight) is.

the poem...

2009-04-13T16:06:00.000-04:00

The poem (today is the first day of the rest of her life) was inspired as I was getting ready for work this morning. I have wressled with trying to know who I am. In my early 20's I was determined, invincible (and yes, stupid) but could do it all with little fear. Now in my early 40's I cry at fear, I am unsure of myself and have no clue what I want. How did I get here? Well some images came to mind...
The first half of the poem is what was ringing in my ears. I had to put it down on this electronic "paper." The amazing thing is the second half of the poem, how it ended. That did not come from me! I was just mearly the vehicle of which it came out. Take a moment and read. I would love to hear your response.
Love- M

Today is the beginning of the rest of her life

2009-04-13T16:05:00.000-04:00

She was young.
Alive
Encouraged
She was on top of the world.

Then she met him
He swept her off her feet
Excited
In love
He was the one, the one for life

Love burned hot and fast
They were together always
Every free moment of the day
Spontaneous
Fun
Together they played

Slowly he began to judge her
Ridicule her
Question her
Rule her
Isolate her
It was slow she did not see it coming

His hands firmly gripping her
Throat of independence
Slowly suffocating her joy
Her love of life breathed out of her
Ever so slow
She did not see it coming

He did not hear her crying for air
He did not see her tears
He did not hear her screams
He did not see her pain

He only judged her tardiness
He only judged her need for more
He only judged her selfishness
He only judged her every day

He did not know it was simple
He did not know it could change
He did not know she just needed his love
He did not know she just wanted joy
So she left him all those years ago
She left him for someone who would love her
She left him for the One who would not judge her
She left him for the One who would love her unconditionally
She left him for the One who loved her all broken
She left him for the One who would live in her heart forever.

She left him because he no longer saw who she was
She left him because she was living for more than one.
She left him long before he said he was saturated
She left him to release his grip on her throat

She and her daughter found Jesus
He loved them
He gave them joy
He accepted them
He wanted them

She was baptized
All he could do was
be
absent

She was baptized
HE was there
Crying over her
With His own tears
Tears of joy
That she
Invited Him to her home

Today she learns to depend on Him
Today she is imperfect
Today she is human
Today she does her best
Today she messes up
Today He forgives her
Today He gives her strength
Today is the beginning of the rest of her life

Favorite pictures from Florida

2009-04-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

Hermiting

2009-04-11T19:08:00.000-04:00

I just read a friends FB profile. She was hermiting because of allergies.
I understand. I am hermiting too... but why?

From being so busy for weeks.
from knowing I have to be real busy and legal this week.
from having family far away.
from missing my girl
from missing the idea of family
from missing the idea of a partner
because I am alone
knowing I am not alone but want to be
or do I?

I guess I really do not know what I want
or how to figure it out
or where to start
or know where to go
or where to look
or begin to think about anything beyond today

I guess I really am afraid to be alone
to fail alone? or really afraid to succeed alone?

I am sad he left without trying
I am sad he did not think we were worth fighting for
I am sad I can not change that
I am sad I have to accept that, I can not change that, I must let it go!

I must give up the hermit... embrace the butterfly
I must give up the fear... embrace the adventure
I forget what is lost... embrace what I have and will have
I must give up the control... embrace HIM

Nowhere in a caterpillar is the sign a butterfly is coming

I must honor HIS gift to me!

2009-04-10T21:24:00.000-04:00

Why do I...
fill my mind with hateful thoughts?
use my hands to be destructive?
allow anything but love into my heart?
use my eyes to see sinful sights?
fill my body with harmful foods?

Why do I not love myself?
Do I feel I am not worthy?
Am I afraid of Failure? or worse
Am I afraid of Success?

My Dad left our family, my dad left me.
My husband left me, he is leaving our family.
Jesus did not leave me. He died for ME.
He died for Everyone. Everyone includes ME!

Why do I find it so hard to believe that I deserve what HE has given for ME?

I deserve to be happy! I deserve the best! I deserve more than I can ever dream of! because
HE died for ME! God tells me it is true! Why do I find it so hard to believe Him?

Easter is a time to remember He gave His only son so we could live. A miracle happened... HE rose from the dead. He lives again for us, for ME.

I must honor this gift by
treating myself with respect!
believing in myself!
knowing I deserve the best!
knowing HE will provide for me.
TRUSTING in HIM Completely!!!!

I will trust in Him Completely from this day forward...
I will repent if I find I do not keep this promise.. and will move forward another fresh day and trust in HIM more than the day before.

My pride and joy-

2009-03-18T19:50:00.000-04:00

My pride and joy sits next to me as I wallow in the immense pride I have of her. I am so fortunate to be able to see her at work, as a second grade student in the classroom, enjoying the opportunity to learn and celebrate that learning with her friends. Today I could see the synapses firing during a challenging session. She was so intent and inquisitive. Some days I miss the cute little dresses, the cute baby talk and naptime, but most days I am so proud of the little big girl she is becoming.
Our adventure the past few months has had its share of valleys and battles, some won, some lost. Today was a walk on the peak of the tallest mountain with an endless blue sky. She found some of my "home for sale" flyers and took the liberty to "help" me find the right house for both of us. Our "girls day" is moving to a 'hole 'nother level! Here are some of her comments:

"The very cute one- I love it and you do too."
"This is not good, it has no carpet in the living room, Chloe will slide all over the floor."
"This one I want and it is cute, we can each have our own bathrooms! "(even though we have two now)
"I like how many rooms are here. We can have an art room, a crafty room or even your office."
and by far my favorite:
"This one has a big living room where I can do some cartwheels."

I am so proud of my girl!!!
The joy she brings me is worth any price I must pay.

MAD

2009-03-15T19:15:00.000-04:00

I AM MAD!!!!

I am...
MAD because he told me false promises.
MAD because he bought me an anniversary gift 1 month before he left.
MAD because that gift was just one more lie.
MAD because golf is more important than us.
MAD because he'd rather golf than be with his child.
MAD because he ran away and is no longer parenting.
MAD because he left me with 16years of crap to pack up and move- alone.
MAD because he did not even take his crap with him.
MAD because he left me alone to raise our child.
MAD because his contribution to her is more false promises.
MAD because he is super man spewing his sweet nothings in her ear.
MAD because he is great because he spends money on her.
MAD because when he sees her he is Disney Dad.
MAD because I don't have money to spend on her.
MAD because I have to teach her respect and responsibility.
MAD because he doesn't have to.
MAD because he thinks his check will be enough.
MAD because he doesn't care enough to fight for us.
MAD because he is moving across the country.
MAD because I am tired, feel alone, and am scared.
MAD because he thinks I don't work hard enough.
MAD because I work so hard, every minute, every day.
MAD because I am tired of working hard.
MAD because I want to play hard and have some fun.
MAD because I feel like crying more than I feel like laughing.
MAD because life is not fair.
MAD because I am so tired.
I am MAD because I don't want to be MAD anymore.

Chocolate or Sin... one, both or neither?

2009-02-12T21:52:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking today....

Last week was not so good. Friday the teachers were blessed with a chocolate heaven from the love of our PTO. Well... in most circumstances it would be FABULOUS! But I have not had refined sugar for over 2 months. So plate of chocolate for lunch on friday was mearly the begining of a bad rollercoaster ride that went only down... down... down. First a plate of chocolate then more chocoalte, then desert, then ice cream, then more and more and no giving up. So what I did was sink deeper and deeper into the false promises of that sweet taste on my tongue, the sweet taste going down my throat, then sinking like a heavy rock in the pit of my stomach. I am officially adicted to sugar!

I'm tired...

2009-01-06T21:27:00.000-05:00

I'm Tired...

of being busy.
of fighting.
of doing it alone.
of missing what I thought I had.
of being wrong.
of being tired.
of being a taxi.
of poking my finger.
of being sick.
of failing.
of being out of control.
of trying too hard to control.
of being hungry.
of being kicked.
of being sad.
of crying.
of trying too hard.
of not relying on God... all the time.
It is time to rest in HIS arms and let HIM take care of me as HE promised.
Amen

2008-11-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

so today sucked. i got the paperwork....

last week he left a message saying the paperwork was filed and I needed to call his lawyer to go to the office and sign the paperwork. YEAH RIGHT! i can not believe he actually thought i would lay down and let him screw me. AGAIN!

my lawyer got the paperwork, and i piked it up today. he wants joint custody- when he can't stick to what it is now... that doesn't work. and he thinks i am going to pay for my own legal fees. well he is high again.... he is paying for it all. oh and the kicker is that he claims that without the actions of the defendant-me- the seperation would not be necessary. now i am just mad!

all i can think of is ... i put up with your sorry ass and you left me? now that is backwards!

so today sucked..

First Sleepover

2008-11-01T23:25:00.001-04:00

Friday was Halloween. Typically my favorite holiday, I did not dress up for the first time in many many years.
Friday was the first night Alana spent the night at Bobby's apartment. Her experience there is still novel and fun. She has new Hannah Montanna sheets, can stay up late, and she can watch movies she is not allowed to watch here.
Last night after trick or treating they went out to dinner. Saturday they had pop tarts for breakfast, went golfing, went out to lunch and went shopping.
After coming home to me today, she kept asking to go shopping at wallmart because she wanted to shop. She was also very disrespectful by talking back and not doing what I asked of her and going against anything I asked.

UGH- another level of this adventure called divorce.

Now AOL has left me...

2008-11-01T23:23:00.000-04:00

So first Bobby now my AOL blog. Well... raspberry to both of them (if you really know me, you know it is really a few choice words not a raspberry- he he he)
So this is why there are all those blogs posted all in one night.

It really started Sept 20 the first day of the rest of my life. The first day Bobby said he was "Saturated" (you know what I am thinking....

blog at you later

Chloe, Jesus and Golf

2008-11-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

Originally written Thursday, October 30, 2008
7:39:06 PM Chloe, Jesus and Golf...
It was so funny today. My friend, my pastoral counselor, came to the car to meet Chloe. Chloe is our very cool dog who has one brown eye and one blue eye. Maryanne liked the little people on the side of our car. You know the ones... some people have flip flops for all the people in their family, others have stick people for each member... We have cute cartoon people. There is one- the man who golfs- that needs to be torn off. I suggested cutting the head off and have it look like it is rolling down the side of the car. All in the spirit of Halloween of course. She suggested replacing that with one of Jesus. NOW that is a good idea!! Jesus has always been there for me... Bobby has always been there for golf!

Can I rescue the Princess?

2008-11-01T23:20:00.001-04:00

Originally written Saturday, October 25, 2008

Can I rescue the princess?
This past week my anxiety has been very hightened. I have been so concerned about the next level when we bring Alana into the journey of divorce. I have been so angry with Bobby for how he is handling this. I have been angry with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, maybe for not trying hard enough. I am soad that I can not rescue Alana and spare her of the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the isolation.
I remember asking Bobby a few times over the past few years... Please love Alana as much in the future as much as you love her today. My daddy was the world to me until one undefined day in sixth grade shen I was not longer his little girl. I seemingly became a source of his frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations and overall disgust. I have spent the past 27+ years trying to get his approval. I do not want Alana to have that with her daddy.
Now- is she going to follow the same cycle if he does not live with us, if he does not respect schedules, if he does not respect me, if he does not respect boundries... I don't know how to work through this part of the cycle. I just want to burst out in tears!!!
I want to kick his ass.
I want to rescue my little princess.

Last night we told Alana.
Well Bobby told Alana that he would be moving out so he and I do not fight as much anymore. He did a really awsoem jobe making sure she knows he loves her, no matter what. She was very intriqued with his new appartment. He promised her new things for the place, so that is new and exciting and right on to her love language of gifts. The night was pretty uneventful. Her biggest questions was after Bobby told her he would love her no matter where he lives. She asked if he would still love her if he moves to Los Angeles.(side note: He said of course, then that she would have to visit him ther for the summer. NO WAY JOSE!!! She is NOT going to loose the tradition of going to Maine in the summer!)
I think that this is the calm before the storm. Maybe it will be a big tornado of emotion in a week or so, maybe there will be little bursts of storms among the weeks. All I know to be true is God will be there for us. I will be there for Alana. I will love her through this. I will protect her the best I know how. I will try to parent her the best I can with the appropriate boundries and lots and lots of love.
Pray for each of us!

Can I rescue the Princess?

2008-11-01T23:20:00.000-04:00

Originally written Saturday, October 25, 2008
5:57:44 PM

Can I rescue the princess?
This past week my anxiety has been very hightened. I have been so concerned about the next level when we bring Alana into the journey of divorce. I have been so angry with Bobby for how he is handling this. I have been angry with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, maybe for not trying hard enough. I am soad that I can not rescue Alana and spare her of the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the isolation.
I remember asking Bobby a few times over the past few years... Please love Alana as much in the future as much as you love her today. My daddy was the world to me until one undefined day in sixth grade shen I was not longer his little girl. I seemingly became a source of his frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations and overall disgust. I have spent the past 27+ years trying to get his approval. I do not want Alana to have that with her daddy.
Now- is she going to follow the same cycle if he does not live with us, if he does not respect schedules, if he does not respect me, if he does not respect boundries... I don't know how to work through this part of the cycle. I just want to burst out in tears!!!
I want to kick his ass.
I want to rescue my little princess.

Last night we told Alana.
Well Bobby told Alana that he would be moving out so he and I do not fight as much anymore. He did a really awsoem jobe making sure she knows he loves her, no matter what. She was very intriqued with his new appartment. He promised her new things for the place, so that is new and exciting and right on to her love language of gifts. The night was pretty uneventful. Her biggest questions was after Bobby told her he would love her no matter where he lives. She asked if he would still love her if he moves to Los Angeles.(side note: He said of course, then that she would have to visit him ther for the summer. NO WAY JOSE!!! She is NOT going to loose the tradition of going to Maine in the summer!)
I think that this is the calm before the storm. Maybe it will be a big tornado of emotion in a week or so, maybe there will be little bursts of storms among the weeks. All I know to be true is God will be there for us. I will be there for Alana. I will love her through this. I will protect her the best I know how. I will try to parent her the best I can with the appropriate boundries and lots and lots of love.
Pray for each of us!

How did we get here?

2008-11-01T23:19:00.000-04:00

Originally written Sun Oct 19 10:00pm

How did we get here?
Sixteen years ago, September 6th, I met the man I was going to marry. That day I knew I was going to date him. The next day I saw him I knew I was in love. Two weeks later I knew I was going to marry him. We saw each other 6 out of 7 days every waking moment we could. I hardly slept for weeks. It was amazing. I was transferred out of town and we committed to living together so we did not loose our relationship.
Was that the day it began to end? Did we have any time of unconditional love?
November 1992 we moved in together. I was so happy.We had many challenges come up, my cervical displasia, another health scare and then a near totaled car accident. We rose to the occasion and made it through together. It seemed that we were going to keep working together through anything.
Was that the only time we worked together? Was that the last time I had any control, was it all going to end soon?
After a fast romance it hid a brick wall. Years of living together, and not proposal. We were going to get married someday, but he had to make the decision. He was not ready. I made excuses for him (bad relationships- gun shy- etc.) Friends told me to give him an ultimatum. I was not willing to turn and walk away if he said no. (Should I have stood my ground?) So I handed over control to him on a silver platter and he kept that platter to himself and still has a tight hold on it.
Do I give him a run for his money and grab that platter back? Or do I listen to the lawyer and let him have his platter and play the fairer parent to our beautiful little girl? What to do, how do I expel my anger?
Five and a half years after we met, he proposed. Nothing to write home about. He left a note and the box on a chair sitting there for me to find when I came home from work. Is this a red flag of many I should have "seen?" I thought he was just shy-ish. We did not commit to a date, after all he was interviewing for this big government job. The big government job owned our lives from that time on. Not until spring of 2008 did we know he would get the job, go away for training for 4 months, then we would move across country together. We would start driving on Thanksgiving 2008. So until the move was completed, we could not even begin to plan anything.
The move was initially tragic for me. Maine country girl moves to concrete jungle Los Angeles and is robbed the first weekend we were there. Our UHaul was broken into and we had NOTHING left. We had to start over. I lost precious family jewelry and I lost my self confidence and felt very vulnerable. We moved into our moldy dark apartment, went to work and had fun on our days off. We traveled the sights in southern CA. We had fun. When he was not home, I hid in the apartment afraid to go out. We were married the next September in Los Vegas. We got married in the little white chapel, a hint of church. We got married without any of his family there. We got married the day after we got the wedding certificate. God was never part of our life. We moved back to Marlyand the month his grandmother NyNy died, May 2000.
We lived in an apartment, found out we were pregnant. I finished my Education degree. I was so very very happy. We read pregnancy books. He talked to my belly. We looked at in utero pictures imagining the size of our own precious baby growing in my belly. Those days were precious and special to me. I can still feel the love for him filling my heart so full I felt my heart would burst. I could not imagine having any room left to love anyone else, even our new child. But there was so much room left. Room that opened up to be so big to let the love of a child move in.
How could that love for him. The love I said grew bigger each day, turn into fierce disgust? I am so sad that has fallen away. I am so sad my daughter will loose her fantasy family. I am sad my husband is not willing to try. I am sad my husband is not willing to put hisfamily first.
I am just so sad.

Remember I am valuable and Whole

2008-11-01T23:17:00.000-04:00

Originally writtten Sun Sept 21 11:00pm

I have felt a whole spectrum of emotions in the past 24 hours. I have felt vengeful, hatred, beaten, betrayed, overwhelmed, hopeful, optimistic, lonely, afraid, unable, scared, pissed off, protective and so much more. I know that as mad and blind sided as I may feel about Bobby, I must remain strong and honor God with my actions.
Last night I talked with Hope at length. She is such a support. I had dinner with Janis, she just let me cry and let it all out, the good and the bad. What is amazing, to me, is that neither one of these close amazing friends were surprised. Why was I?
Tonight I asked Bobby to talk, about anything he wanted, about our talk yesterday. When I asked him about counseling he said what if he did not want to go. Well that means he does not. He is not wiling to work it out. He wants to leave. He does not know when or where he will go. I asked him if it will be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years...?? He laughed at the two years. I can not believe this is happening!
So I guess the road of counseling and repairing our marriage is all but blocked. So now what? I have to protect myself, my daughter. I have to be sure her security, her safety, her sense of worth is secure. I need to be sure she is ok. I need to protect myself. How?
I called Mom. She is great. She did not cry, I am so proud of her. She held strong, listened for two hours and gave me good advice. Take one day at a time. Don't do more than that. So I will. I will try to get through each day, save my crying for after Alana goes to bed. Right now my eyes are so swollen from crying I look like I have been in a fight. I don't think I have ever had such swollen eyes!
So is he going to get an apartment in town? IS he going to look for a promotion to take him out of state? Is he serious about moving to California? Will we remain married and live separately for months, years? What is going to happen?
Mom said to me she knows in her heart that five years from now I will be a much happier person. I told her that today I thought for half a moment that this may be the time where I can find that independent self confident woman I was inmy early 20's. I have been unhappy for a long time. I have hated Bobby so much in the past year.
Tonight I am going to bed and try to get some rest. I have to teach tomorrow, so my mind will be focused elsewhere.
God grant me the serenity... and the strength and desertion to know what to do next.
God- Thank you for hanging in with me even though I have not been with you much over the past few months. Thank you for urging me to run to you when I need you most, and in the future please remind me to stay with you through the good times too.

GOD will set me free

2008-11-01T23:16:00.000-04:00

Thursday, October 30, 2008
7:39:06 PM EDT Feeling Mischievous Edit Entry Delete Entry
Chloe, Jesus and Golf...
It was so funny today. My friend, my pastoral counselor, came to the car to meet Chloe. Chloe is our very cool dog who has one brown eye and one blue eye. Maryanne liked the little people on the side of our car. You know the ones... some people have flip flops for all the people in their family, others have stick people for each member... We have cute cartoon people. There is one- the man who golfs- that needs to be torn off. I suggested cutting the head off and have it look like it is rolling down the side of the car. All in the spirit of Halloween of course. She suggested replacing that with one of Jesus. NOW that is a good idea!! Jesus has always been there for me... Bobby has always been there for golf!
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Saturday, October 25, 2008
5:57:44 PM EDT Feeling Anxious Hearing Ice skating music- mostly country Edit Entry Delete Entry
Can I rescue the princess?
This past week my anxiety has been very hightened. I have been so concerned about the next level when we bring Alana into the journey of divorce. I have been so angry with Bobby for how he is handling this. I have been angry with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, maybe for not trying hard enough. I am soad that I can not rescue Alana and spare her of the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the isolation.
I remember asking Bobby a few times over the past few years... Please love Alana as much in the future as much as you love her today. My daddy was the world to me until one undefined day in sixth grade shen I was not longer his little girl. I seemingly became a source of his frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations and overall disgust. I have spent the past 27+ years trying to get his approval. I do not want Alana to have that with her daddy.
Now- is she going to follow the same cycle if he does not live with us, if he does not respect schedules, if he does not respect me, if he does not respect boundries... I don't know how to work through this part of the cycle. I just want to burst out in tears!!!
I want to kick his ass.
I want to rescue my little princess.

Last night we told Alana.
Well Bobby told Alana that he would be moving out so he and I do not fight as much anymore. He did a really awsoem jobe making sure she knows he loves her, no matter what. She was very intriqued with his new appartment. He promised her new things for the place, so that is new and exciting and right on to her love language of gifts. The night was pretty uneventful. Her biggest questions was after Bobby told her he would love her no matter where he lives. She asked if he would still love her if he moves to Los Angeles.(side note: He said of course, then that she would have to visit him ther for the summer. NO WAY JOSE!!! She is NOT going to loose the tradition of going to Maine in the summer!)
I think that this is the calm before the storm. Maybe it will be a big tornado of emotion in a week or so, maybe there will be little bursts of storms among the weeks. All I know to be true is God will be there for us. I will be there for Alana. I will love her through this. I will protect her the best I know how. I will try to parent her the best I can with the appropriate boundries and lots and lots of love.
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Sunday, October 19, 2008
10:04:55 PM EDT Feeling Sad Edit Entry Delete Entry
How did we get here?
How did we get here?
Sixteen years ago, September 6th, I met the man I was going to marry. That day I knew I was going to date him. The next day I saw him I knew I was in love. Two weeks later I knew I was going to marry him. We saw each other 6 out of 7 days every waking moment we could. I hardly slept for weeks. It was amazing. I was transferred out of town and we committed to living together so we did not loose our relationship.
Was that the day it began to end? Did we have any time of unconditional love?
November 1992 we moved in together. I was so happy.We had many challenges come up, my cervical displasia, another health scare and then a near totaled car accident. We rose to the occasion and made it through together. It seemed that we were going to keep working together through anything.
Was that the only time we worked together? Was that the last time I had any control, was it all going to end soon?
After a fast romance it hid a brick wall. Years of living together, and not proposal. We were going to get married someday, but he had to make the decision. He was not ready. I made excuses for him (bad relationships- gun shy- etc.) Friends told me to give him an ultimatum. I was not willing to turn and walk away if he said no. (Should I have stood my ground?) So I handed over control to him on a silver platter and he kept that platter to himself and still has a tight hold on it.
Do I give him a run for his money and grab that platter back? Or do I listen to the lawyer and let him have his platter and play the fairer parent to our beautiful little girl? What to do, how do I expel my anger?
Five and a half years after we met, he proposed. Nothing to write home about. He left a note and the box on a chair sitting there for me to find when I came home from work. Is this a red flag of many I should have "seen?" I thought he was just shy-ish. We did not commit to a date, after all he was interviewing for this big government job. The big government job owned our lives from that time on. Not until spring of 2008 did we know he would get the job, go away for training for 4 months, then we would move across country together. We would start driving on Thanksgiving 2008. So until the move was completed, we could not even begin to plan anything.
The move was initially tragic for me. Maine country girl moves to concrete jungle Los Angeles and is robbed the first weekend we were there. Our UHaul was broken into and we had NOTHING left. We had to start over. I lost precious family jewelry and I lost my self confidence and felt very vulnerable. We moved into our moldy dark apartment, went to work and had fun on our days off. We traveled the sights in southern CA. We had fun. When he was not home, I hid in the apartment afraid to go out. We were married the next September in Los Vegas. We got married in the little white chapel, a hint of church. We got married without any of his family there. We got married the day after we got the wedding certificate. God was never part of our life. We moved back to Marlyand the month his grandmother NyNy died, May 2000.
We lived in an apartment, found out we were pregnant. I finished my Education degree. I was so very very happy. We read pregnancy books. He talked to my belly. We looked at in utero pictures imagining the size of our own precious baby growing in my belly. Those days were precious and special to me. I can still feel the love for him filling my heart so full I felt my heart would burst. I could not imagine having any room left to love anyone else, even our new child. But there was so much room left. Room that opened up to be so big to let the love of a child move in.
How could that love for him. The love I said grew bigger each day, turn into fierce disgust? I am so sad that has fallen away. I am so sad my daughter will loose her fantasy family. I am sad my husband is not willing to try. I am sad my husband is not willing to put hisfamily first.
I am just so sad.

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Sunday, September 21, 2008
11:30:50 PM EDT Feeling Exhausted Edit Entry Delete Entry
Remember I am valuable and whole
I have felt a whole spectrum of emotions in the past 24 hours. I have felt vengeful, hatred, beaten, betrayed, overwhelmed, hopeful, optimistic, lonely, afraid, unable, scared, pissed off, protective and so much more. I know that as mad and blind sided as I may feel about Bobby, I must remain strong and honor God with my actions.
Last night I talked with Hope at length. She is such a support. I had dinner with Janis, she just let me cry and let it all out, the good and the bad. What is amazing, to me, is that neither one of these close amazing friends were surprised. Why was I?
Tonight I asked Bobby to talk, about anything he wanted, about our talk yesterday. When I asked him about counseling he said what if he did not want to go. Well that means he does not. He is not wiling to work it out. He wants to leave. He does not know when or where he will go. I asked him if it will be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years...?? He laughed at the two years. I can not believe this is happening!
So I guess the road of counseling and repairing our marriage is all but blocked. So now what? I have to protect myself, my daughter. I have to be sure her security, her safety, her sense of worth is secure. I need to be sure she is ok. I need to protect myself. How?
I called Mom. She is great. She did not cry, I am so proud of her. She held strong, listened for two hours and gave me good advice. Take one day at a time. Don't do more than that. So I will. I will try to get through each day, save my crying for after Alana goes to bed. Right now my eyes are so swollen from crying I look like I have been in a fight. I don't think I have ever had such swollen eyes!
So is he going to get an apartment in town? IS he going to look for a promotion to take him out of state? Is he serious about moving to California? Will we remain married and live separately for months, years? What is going to happen?
Mom said to me she knows in her heart that five years from now I will be a much happier person. I told her that today I thought for half a moment that this may be the time where I can find that independent self confident woman I was inmy early 20's. I have been unhappy for a long time. I have hated Bobby so much in the past year.
Tonight I am going to bed and try to get some rest. I have to teach tomorrow, so my mind will be focused elsewhere.
God grant me the serenity... and the strength and desertion to know what to do next.
God- Thank you for hanging in with me even though I have not been with you much over the past few months. Thank you for urging me to run to you when I need you most, and in the future please remind me to stay with you through the good times too.
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2:27:49 PM EDT Edit Entry Delete Entry
God will set me free1 Samuel 24 "I'm No Rebel" 1-4 When Saul came back after dealing with the Philistines, he was told, "David is now in the wilderness of En Gedi." Saul took three companies—the best he could find in all Israel—and set out in search of David and his men in the region of Wild Goat Rocks. He came to some sheep pens along the road. There was a cave there and Saul went in to relieve himself. David and his men were huddled far back in the same cave. David's men whispered to him, "Can you believe it? This is the day God was talking about when he said, 'I'll put your enemy in your hands. You can do whatever you want with him.'" Quiet as a cat, David crept up and cut off a piece of Saul's royal robe.
5-7 Immediately, he felt guilty. He said to his men, "God forbid that I should have done this to my master, God's anointed, that I should so much as raise a finger against him. He's God's anointed!" David held his men in check with these words and wouldn't let them pounce on Saul. Saul got up, left the cave, and went on down the road.
8-13 Then David stood at the mouth of the cave and called to Saul, "My master!My king!" Saul looked back. David fell to his knees and bowed in reverence. He called out, "Why do you listen to those who say 'David is out to get you'? This very day with your very own eyes you have seen that just now in the cave God put you in my hands. My men wanted me to kill you, but I wouldn't do it. I told them that I won't lift a finger against my master—he's God's anointed. Oh, my father, look at this, look at this piece that I cut from your robe. I could have cut you—killed you!—but I didn't. Look at the evidence! I'm not against you. I'm no rebel. I haven't sinned against you, and yet you're hunting me down to kill me. Let's decide which of us is in the right. God may avenge me, but it is in his hands, not mine. An old proverb says, 'Evil deeds come from evil people.' So be assured that my hand won't touch you. 1 Samuel 18 12-16 Now Saul feared David. It was clear that God was with David and had left Saul. So, Saul got David out of his sight by making him an officer in the army. David was in combat frequently. Everything David did turned out well. Yes, God was with him. As Saul saw David becoming more successful, he himself grew more fearful. He could see the handwriting on the wall. But everyone else in Israel and Judah loved David. They loved watching him in action. (jealousy) 1 Samuel 22 Saul Murders the Priests of God
1-2 So David got away and escaped to the Cave of Adullam. When his brothers and others associated with his family heard where he was, they came down and joined him. Not only that, but all who were down on their luck came around—losers and vagrants and misfits of all sorts. David became their leader. There were about four hundred in all. Romans 12:17 (The Message)
17-19Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

1 Samuel 24:15 (The Message) 14-15 "What does the king of Israel think he's doing? Who do you think you're chasing? A dead dog? A flea? God is our judge. He'll decide who is right. Oh, that he would look down right now, decide right now—and set me free of you!

Saturated

2008-11-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

The new school year has been a challenge. Bobby, my husband, had been out of town most of the first three weeks. Being a (married) single Mom at the start of school has been exhausting. My class has been good, but the new program has offered lots of challenges and late school days. Alana, my 7 year old daughter, has been amazing. She has stepped up and been flexible with my needs as a teacher. She is back to piano lessons and gymnastics and enjoying both.
Bobby returned from his work trip, and was more help away then at home. What I really mean is, the little break I expected from him never really came. He has not offered to tuck Alana in at night since the beginning of the summer or earlier. When he comes home from work now he takes a shower and retreats to the FROG ("finished room over garage" term used here in the south.) It is his MAN ROOM. When we moved here I thought it would be great for him to have his space so I did not have to hear loud sports all the time. Well it just put a deeper wedge into our marriage.
Marriage, what is it? Some of my friends say they married their best friend. I thought I did. Some friends love to be with their spouse. I used to. Some of my friends are cheating, hating or have abusive marriages. I don't describe my marriage that way. However we are missing many things I expected we would have in our marriage. We do not have communication. I heard on Oprah this week that the average couple speak only 12 minutes a day to each other. That is so sad!! No wonder our children in the schools are so messed up. Bobby and I hover around that 12 minutes... and it is all about bills and parenting. That is so sad!! We do not have intimacy. You know those women who say things like "my husband is coming home from his business trip and I will have to give it up tonight"? I hear that all the time. I have never had that experience in my marriage.
Well that is all reflective. Yesterday was Saturday sept 20,2008. Bobby took Alana and a friend to the amusement park. They had been planning it since Wednesday. Not once did Bobby invite me. As a mater of fact, he never told me about it, Alana did. Bobby did expect me to make the arrangements with the friend and her parents though. After they came home Bobby did his shower/FROG thing. I was ticked. He has not barely spoken to me all week and now this. I went upstairs and asked him when he was planning on talking to me next, it had been several days. No real answer. I asked him if he was happy living like this because it is miserable for me. He agreed it is a miserable way to live. This is when the saturated bomb hit. He told me he was Saturated. He was tired and did not know what he wanted. Of course he is worrying about his job and where that will take him and what to do next and worrying about coworkers opportunities and what they will do or think. Oh... will he just consider his family first for just a minute?!?!? And what the hell does Saturated mean? I suggested we go to counseling if he is willing to work his ass off to make it work. If he is not willing to do that, he needs to respect me by telling me that. He did not make any commitment either way. What he did say is he was thinking of taking a promotion in another state, renting and apartment and leaving Alana and I here.
CRAP. What does all this mean? Are we going to council and work on our relationship? Are we going to remain married and live in separate states with him financially supporting us? Am I going to end up a divorcee with crap for a degree and a crappy paying job? I want to cause him bodily harm, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I want to make his life miserable and make him pay alimony and child support. I want to take her from him so it hurts. I want to cry and hide and make it all go away. When did this happen? How did this happen? What is really happening? Why is it happening? This is not what I signed up for when we got married. I signed up for life. Not for "until we don't want to work for it anymore" timeframe!
So he says he has felt this for many years. I agree it started when we became parents. He says it started before we got married. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED?!?!?!? What the hell are you talking about?! He said that is why it took him so long to propose. WHAT!?! HE was not sure. Then why did you ask me? He said it was because he thought it was the right thing to do. SO are you telling me that wasting the past 9 years married, 16 together, of my life was the "right thing to do." More feelings and fanaticize of hurting him come to surface.
About two hours of heated conversation, some screaming, a lot of shutting down, a lot of physical muscle ache and more crying than I have done in a long time... I could not take anymore. I could not have a rational thought. My face was swollen, my body was weak, and my spirit was finally broken. I took a nap.
When I woke it was time for Saturday night church. I decided to go alone. (He has never gone to church with me, but Alana goes.) In the car I decided that as much as I wanted to cause him harm I could not do that. I have to look to the Lord and let Him give me guidance. I have to trust in Him to show me the way I and our marriage should go. This gives me peace.
I am so glad I went to church. The sermon was about our human temptation to first turn towards revenge but the way to go is to listen to God. WOW! That was hitting the nail on the head! I needed to hear that. I see my choices are: to hate Bobby or to take care of me, through God. My choice is to take care of me and my daughter through the guidance of God. I feel this is a knock over my head to trust in God. He is teaching me to lean on Him. I just pray this is a road I must travel and at the end of this road I find a healthy marriage to Bobby and a healthy family too. ALWAYS GO GOD'S WAY. How do we do that? We prostrate in front of Him. We lay in front of Him vulnerable and asking for His guidance. We Listen to God, not to others. We think twice before we act and always take the road that God tells us to take. 1Samuel 24:15 "...God will set me free..."