I am sitting at starbucks.. thinking...

I have spent the better of the past 4 hours working on schoolwork at the wifi available starbucks. Quantitive Mathmatics is starting to burn a hole in my screen and in my head... so time to people watch for a bit.

A couple sits next to me.
20 ish.. definitly a "couple" because they are squabbling like they have been married for years.
He wants to sit outside, she wants to sit inside.
He says no- "it is too hot inside", she says "sit down, be still you will be fine for a few minutes. "
He sits, not still.
HE takes cigaretts out of his pocket, slams them on the table,apparently trying to make a point.
They stare at each other, not loving glances.
In no less than two minutes he gets up and leaves.
She.. duitifully or ingnorantly... follows.


So- I wonder.
Why are they together.
Does she like to be treated like this?
Does he like to treat her like this?
Do they like treating eachother like this?
Do they accept being treated like this?
Is the sex good? that is why they are together?
what is the reason?
what was my reason?
I felt too old!
when I settled
I felt like I would not get any better..
so I settled
I thought monetary provision was important
so I settled

I am so thankful (today the day after thanksgiving)
that I will not settle...
I have expectations, I will not settle less for
I have non-negotiables, I will not alter for
I have hopes and dreams, I will not alow to be squashed for
I will be admired, adored and appreciated, I will not settle for
I will be playful, mischevious, and hopeful, I will not settle for

My first love will be GOD. He will continue to praise my worthiness, my ability, provide his joy, love his beautiful child, and provide for me as long as I continue to talk to Him and love Him and listen to Him. As I continue to chose His will, and not the sins of the flesh, or of the world He will show me more than I can imagine!

I will be alone for as long as it takes for the right person to come into my life, join my life, enhance our lives and we both earn the right to create a life together.

God bless the longing in my heart for an amazing relationship with a man, the right timeing for that man, and acceptance of it being of your will, and desire to create a new, blended, healthy Godly family.
AMEN

ONE- Singular Sensation

(imagine the music playing.. then.. singing)

"One
Singular Sensation --- Every little step she makes."

(fade out)

That song has been ringing in my ears all morning.
I don't know how to be one.

I know how to be a mom
I know how to be a friend
I know how to be a daughter
I know how to be an Aunt
I know how to be a sister
I know how to be a teacher
I don't know how to be just me.

Who am I, what do I want, who do I want to be... when I am just one?

I want to be more than busy
I want to be fulfilled
I want to be more than obligated to my to do list
I want to wake up excited about the day
I want to no longer talk negatively to myself
I want to embrace the adventure of discovering myself again.

I want to learn who I am
I want to learn what it is that excites me
I want to embrace the new me that is just under the surface ready to explode and enjoy all life has to offer.

miss my bff

SO it is late at night... and I am alone.
so I am reading blogs.. which I wish I could do more often.
but I just read and got updated on my bff blog.

We both have been so busy with our own vacations and business of summer.
School starts this week and we are not going to have a shared child this year, so I will miss our daily adventures together.

I really thought after the end of last school year I would get "dumped" and she would move on. I must say I am so happy we have been able to see each other as much as we have. And I have a new name Aunt Madea, or sometimes just Madea. I love it.

Bff- you rock and I am glad we are going to get back into the swing of the schedule and lunch bunch again.

I am blessed to have you as a friend!
Love ya
Madea

Would the real Maria Dea stand up?

Who am I?
What do I want?
Why do I want what I want?
How far am I willing to go to get what I want?
but

What DO I want?
but
Who AM I?

So today was Biker Sunday. I really would love to ride a Harley. I once wanted to be a "Biker Bitch," yes that is what I called it. I wanted a teal Harley- I had it all picked out. I wanted the black leather and all.
But today, in this time period, I am a large woman trapped in the clothing style offered by the plus sized stores and conservative in nature.
Inside is some girl, maybe woman, who wants to get out.
Is she respectable and polished and shops at Talbots?
Is she organic, shopping at 2nd hand stores and wearing patchouli?
Is she that biker bitch with tats and leather?

I presume I may be somewhere between now and the biker bitch?
Or possibly a combination of all of the above.

Hmmm

God- please show me who I am, what I want and where I should go. I do know I am your child who is loved, I know I want to please you and I know I should continue to follow your path. I wonder what that looks like, who I will be with, and where it will take me.

I wonder will I know the real Maria Dea when she stands up?

College Bound

Congratulations to me!!

I started back to college today! In three years, 2012-2013, I expect to be a
SC Certified Special Education Teacher. Despite all the reasons I could list as to why this is not the time... this is the perfect time. Get up, wipe myself off, and take the world on! I will be a strong woman and I will teach my daughter to be strong too. Until she is 18, I fully intend on her needing me and will care for her and enjoy every minute of it! I am blessed to be her Mama!

Congratulations to all 40+ single moms who find strength in their challenges!

My GOD PEOPLE

My friend Kimmarie just had a birthday. She is one of the most important people in my life... so I took the opportunity to tell her. About 7 years ago we met. At that time I was wondering what God was going to do for me. She, ever so quietly, taught me to think differently as she demonstrated with her own God filled life. When I was brave enough, or some would argue smart enough, she showed me how to take one step at a time. After I asked for help, sometimes she was not so quiet. I think I needed that. She was the one most important person who showed me turning to God is what I need to do.

So I was thinking.... Who are my GOD PEOPLE?

Well... Kimmarie of course!

My MOM! She took my brother and I to church for the majority of our childhood. I wish she did not stop but I do believe that this was a foundation of good I would remember in my life, even when I wasn't acting so good. Thank you Mom for loving me unconditionally!

My Brother!! He returned to church long before I did. He would answer my questions. He would never judge. He would never preach. He taught me to pray to God so HE could make our challenges become lessons, for Him to put the right friends and resources in our path. Scott is a strong man for his wife, children, friends and his church. I am so proud of him!

The BODY of LifePoint- Every person who said "hi" each Sunday I went to LifePoint. Every one of them was GOD telling me this was the place to be. I eventually connected to small groups, bible studies and even worked in the church office. What an amazing place to grow up a baby Christian.

...to be continued...

WHY?!?

Why does his choices effect us so?
Why did he make the choice to not fight for us?
Why were we not worth fighting for?
Why is he a coward, taking the easy way out?
Why did he choose to leave?

Why does he get to leave?
to live single
to live at the beach
to work and play at his whim
to travel and golf and more
to send gifts in the mail
to speak bubblegum words on the phone
to make promises fit for a princess
to have all the fun and no discipline

Why does he get to take for years then leave?
to leave me with age and less time
to leave me with low pay, low time, and low education
to leave with a house to sell
a child to raise
a degree to earn
to judge me?

Why does he get to leave, but I still have to
depend on him for money
get his "approval" to pay for school
ask him to pay for doctors appts

Why can't he just leave, and be gone?
why must we have to talk
why must I explain why he can't visit
why must I explain why he left
why must I explain why we could not go
why must he continue to give her false hope

Why do I still let him effect me this way?
Why can't I just not care?

When can I be strong... always?
When can I move on financially?
When can I move out of his house?
When can I stop crying?
When can I be brave... always?

a mask

The masks we wear have layers, like the true nature of paper mache.

Paper mache is weak and translucent if there are not enough layers.
My mask is transparent around my family and friends.
My mask is transparent if I trust the wrong people.
My mask is transparent if I do not properly edit myself.

Paper mache is perfect with just the right amount of layers.
My mask is perfect if I think before I speak or act.
My mask is perfect when I wear it at appropriate times.
Paper mache can loose its strength, form and structure if too layered.
My mask is so layered, it has weighed me down.
It has pulled me down, strained my neck, my back and crashed to the ground. It shattered upon impact.
My mask is not there to protect me from my raw emotions.
I no longer have it to hide from my fears.
I no longer have it to falsely display my strength.
I not longer have ti to say I am fine.
I no longer have it to say I am "handling" it all.

As I write I know I need to allow my over layered, heavy mask to pull me down to my knees. Fall to my knees, swollen eyes, tears, sobbing, physical weakness given over to HIM. Lord I praise you with thanksgiving for all your love and possibilities in my life. Lord I pray to hear your desires for me. Lord I want to hear when to be strong and when to "handle it" and maybe more importantly, when to back off, give it to you and let it go. Lord I thank you for all the wonderful family and friends who truly love me and I love them. Lord I pray to have the discernment when to know what relationships are toxic for me and when to keep distance and have peace with it.
Lord thank you for loving me
Lord thank you for working with me every day
Lord thank you for my girl, and everything she is.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
Psalm 29:10-11

I'M READY!

I am ready!

for what?

I am ready....
to move forward
to embrace single parenting
to love my life
to really trust GOD
to celebrate
to dance
to laugh daily
to experience joy
to play with my girl
to cry with my girl
to grow with my girl
to really trust
to trust ridiculously
to play ball with my dog
to enjoy nature
to discover myself
to move forward
to be open for anything
to be ready for the worst
to pray for the best
to know I will have what I need
to know I will succeed
to depend on my friends
to ask for help
to accept help
to work hard
to study hard
to pray harder
to be the best I can be
to be happy with what I have
to long for love not material things
to know my girl will be fine
to know I will be fine
to know our Father will take care of us
to know He has unconditional love for us
to know He is always there
to remember to ask Him
to truly trust in HIM
to be patient for His answers

Speeling

I wish I could spell Celebrashin!

Earth Day Birthday Celbration?

At 8:15 this morning I challenged the second grade class to tell me what Earth Day was for...
No one really had an idea, so I shared my theory with them. In 1970 Earth Day was created. That is a fact. I believe that just after my 2nd birthday the Earth was so happy that I was born that it had to celebrate. Thus the reason for Earth Day. The earth so loved me it created the holiday.
... I don't think they bought into my idea. But did they learn what Earth Day is all about?

The cliff

Today I have been wondering what to do...

Not just for today, but a decision that will effect the next few years,
maybe my life. Not just for me, but for A.

It is the gray area I am in. Do you know that insurance commercial where it describes a life event (wedding day, new child born) and the person is "there" standing in the middle of the red circle that represents "there." Well I am there but the circle is granite gray.

Suddenly I visualized my cliff. I am on the edge. Will I step off the edge and and fall to the rocky below, or will I step off and fly. What action will effect the income? I don't know! I don't know if it is my decision, I don't know if it is even in my control. I know He will provide for me. I do know that I must also try and make some effort on my own- show initiative.

so.. my friends gave me some great advice..."they are here for me!"
YEAH I have the best friends!!!!!
then the charmer... a quote shared brought tears to my eyes!

“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!”

I really believe my cliff is not a prelude to the crash and burn in the rocks.
I know that I will find something solid to stand on, or taught to fly.

I am ready, I am listening... waiting to know what to decide. Then I will know what the next step (or flight) is.

the poem...

The poem (today is the first day of the rest of her life) was inspired as I was getting ready for work this morning. I have wressled with trying to know who I am. In my early 20's I was determined, invincible (and yes, stupid) but could do it all with little fear. Now in my early 40's I cry at fear, I am unsure of myself and have no clue what I want. How did I get here? Well some images came to mind...
The first half of the poem is what was ringing in my ears. I had to put it down on this electronic "paper." The amazing thing is the second half of the poem, how it ended. That did not come from me! I was just mearly the vehicle of which it came out. Take a moment and read. I would love to hear your response.
Love- M

Today is the beginning of the rest of her life

She was young.
Alive
Encouraged
She was on top of the world.

Then she met him
He swept her off her feet
Excited
In love
He was the one, the one for life

Love burned hot and fast
They were together always
Every free moment of the day
Spontaneous
Fun
Together they played

Slowly he began to judge her
Ridicule her
Question her
Rule her
Isolate her
It was slow she did not see it coming

His hands firmly gripping her
Throat of independence
Slowly suffocating her joy
Her love of life breathed out of her
Ever so slow
She did not see it coming

He did not hear her crying for air
He did not see her tears
He did not hear her screams
He did not see her pain

He only judged her tardiness
He only judged her need for more
He only judged her selfishness
He only judged her every day

He did not know it was simple
He did not know it could change
He did not know she just needed his love
He did not know she just wanted joy
So she left him all those years ago
She left him for someone who would love her
She left him for the One who would not judge her
She left him for the One who would love her unconditionally
She left him for the One who loved her all broken
She left him for the One who would live in her heart forever.

She left him because he no longer saw who she was
She left him because she was living for more than one.
She left him long before he said he was saturated
She left him to release his grip on her throat

She and her daughter found Jesus
He loved them
He gave them joy
He accepted them
He wanted them

She was baptized
All he could do was
be
absent

She was baptized
HE was there
Crying over her
With His own tears
Tears of joy
That she
Invited Him to her home

Today she learns to depend on Him
Today she is imperfect
Today she is human
Today she does her best
Today she messes up
Today He forgives her
Today He gives her strength
Today is the beginning of the rest of her life

Favorite pictures from Florida

Hermiting

I just read a friends FB profile. She was hermiting because of allergies.
I understand. I am hermiting too... but why?

From being so busy for weeks.
from knowing I have to be real busy and legal this week.
from having family far away.
from missing my girl
from missing the idea of family
from missing the idea of a partner
because I am alone
knowing I am not alone but want to be
or do I?

I guess I really do not know what I want
or how to figure it out
or where to start
or know where to go
or where to look
or begin to think about anything beyond today

I guess I really am afraid to be alone
to fail alone? or really afraid to succeed alone?

I am sad he left without trying
I am sad he did not think we were worth fighting for
I am sad I can not change that
I am sad I have to accept that, I can not change that, I must let it go!

I must give up the hermit... embrace the butterfly
I must give up the fear... embrace the adventure
I forget what is lost... embrace what I have and will have
I must give up the control... embrace HIM

Nowhere in a caterpillar is the sign a butterfly is coming

I must honor HIS gift to me!

Why do I...
fill my mind with hateful thoughts?
use my hands to be destructive?
allow anything but love into my heart?
use my eyes to see sinful sights?
fill my body with harmful foods?

Why do I not love myself?
Do I feel I am not worthy?
Am I afraid of Failure? or worse
Am I afraid of Success?


My Dad left our family, my dad left me.
My husband left me, he is leaving our family.
Jesus did not leave me. He died for ME.
He died for Everyone. Everyone includes ME!

Why do I find it so hard to believe that I deserve what HE has given for ME?

I deserve to be happy! I deserve the best! I deserve more than I can ever dream of! because
HE died for ME! God tells me it is true! Why do I find it so hard to believe Him?

Easter is a time to remember He gave His only son so we could live. A miracle happened... HE rose from the dead. He lives again for us, for ME.

I must honor this gift by
treating myself with respect!
believing in myself!
knowing I deserve the best!
knowing HE will provide for me.
TRUSTING in HIM Completely!!!!

I will trust in Him Completely from this day forward...
I will repent if I find I do not keep this promise.. and will move forward another fresh day and trust in HIM more than the day before.

My pride and joy-

My pride and joy sits next to me as I wallow in the immense pride I have of her. I am so fortunate to be able to see her at work, as a second grade student in the classroom, enjoying the opportunity to learn and celebrate that learning with her friends. Today I could see the synapses firing during a challenging session. She was so intent and inquisitive. Some days I miss the cute little dresses, the cute baby talk and naptime, but most days I am so proud of the little big girl she is becoming.
Our adventure the past few months has had its share of valleys and battles, some won, some lost. Today was a walk on the peak of the tallest mountain with an endless blue sky. She found some of my "home for sale" flyers and took the liberty to "help" me find the right house for both of us. Our "girls day" is moving to a 'hole 'nother level! Here are some of her comments:

"The very cute one- I love it and you do too."
"This is not good, it has no carpet in the living room, Chloe will slide all over the floor."
"This one I want and it is cute, we can each have our own bathrooms! "(even though we have two now)
"I like how many rooms are here. We can have an art room, a crafty room or even your office."
and by far my favorite:
"This one has a big living room where I can do some cartwheels."

I am so proud of my girl!!!
The joy she brings me is worth any price I must pay.

MAD

I AM MAD!!!!

I am...
MAD because he told me false promises.
MAD because he bought me an anniversary gift 1 month before he left.
MAD because that gift was just one more lie.
MAD because golf is more important than us.
MAD because he'd rather golf than be with his child.
MAD because he ran away and is no longer parenting.
MAD because he left me with 16years of crap to pack up and move- alone.
MAD because he did not even take his crap with him.
MAD because he left me alone to raise our child.
MAD because his contribution to her is more false promises.
MAD because he is super man spewing his sweet nothings in her ear.
MAD because he is great because he spends money on her.
MAD because when he sees her he is Disney Dad.
MAD because I don't have money to spend on her.
MAD because I have to teach her respect and responsibility.
MAD because he doesn't have to.
MAD because he thinks his check will be enough.
MAD because he doesn't care enough to fight for us.
MAD because he is moving across the country.
MAD because I am tired, feel alone, and am scared.
MAD because he thinks I don't work hard enough.
MAD because I work so hard, every minute, every day.
MAD because I am tired of working hard.
MAD because I want to play hard and have some fun.
MAD because I feel like crying more than I feel like laughing.
MAD because life is not fair.
MAD because I am so tired.
I am MAD because I don't want to be MAD anymore.

Chocolate or Sin... one, both or neither?

So I was thinking today....

Last week was not so good. Friday the teachers were blessed with a chocolate heaven from the love of our PTO. Well... in most circumstances it would be FABULOUS! But I have not had refined sugar for over 2 months. So plate of chocolate for lunch on friday was mearly the begining of a bad rollercoaster ride that went only down... down... down. First a plate of chocolate then more chocoalte, then desert, then ice cream, then more and more and no giving up. So what I did was sink deeper and deeper into the false promises of that sweet taste on my tongue, the sweet taste going down my throat, then sinking like a heavy rock in the pit of my stomach. I am officially adicted to sugar!

I'm tired...

I'm Tired...

of being busy.
of fighting.
of doing it alone.
of missing what I thought I had.
of being wrong.
of being tired.
of being a taxi.
of poking my finger.
of being sick.
of failing.
of being out of control.
of trying too hard to control.
of being hungry.
of being kicked.
of being sad.
of crying.
of trying too hard.
of not relying on God... all the time.
It is time to rest in HIS arms and let HIM take care of me as HE promised.
Amen