Saturated

The new school year has been a challenge. Bobby, my husband, had been out of town most of the first three weeks. Being a (married) single Mom at the start of school has been exhausting. My class has been good, but the new program has offered lots of challenges and late school days. Alana, my 7 year old daughter, has been amazing. She has stepped up and been flexible with my needs as a teacher. She is back to piano lessons and gymnastics and enjoying both.
Bobby returned from his work trip, and was more help away then at home. What I really mean is, the little break I expected from him never really came. He has not offered to tuck Alana in at night since the beginning of the summer or earlier. When he comes home from work now he takes a shower and retreats to the FROG ("finished room over garage" term used here in the south.) It is his MAN ROOM. When we moved here I thought it would be great for him to have his space so I did not have to hear loud sports all the time. Well it just put a deeper wedge into our marriage.
Marriage, what is it? Some of my friends say they married their best friend. I thought I did. Some friends love to be with their spouse. I used to. Some of my friends are cheating, hating or have abusive marriages. I don't describe my marriage that way. However we are missing many things I expected we would have in our marriage. We do not have communication. I heard on Oprah this week that the average couple speak only 12 minutes a day to each other. That is so sad!! No wonder our children in the schools are so messed up. Bobby and I hover around that 12 minutes... and it is all about bills and parenting. That is so sad!! We do not have intimacy. You know those women who say things like "my husband is coming home from his business trip and I will have to give it up tonight"? I hear that all the time. I have never had that experience in my marriage.
Well that is all reflective. Yesterday was Saturday sept 20,2008. Bobby took Alana and a friend to the amusement park. They had been planning it since Wednesday. Not once did Bobby invite me. As a mater of fact, he never told me about it, Alana did. Bobby did expect me to make the arrangements with the friend and her parents though. After they came home Bobby did his shower/FROG thing. I was ticked. He has not barely spoken to me all week and now this. I went upstairs and asked him when he was planning on talking to me next, it had been several days. No real answer. I asked him if he was happy living like this because it is miserable for me. He agreed it is a miserable way to live. This is when the saturated bomb hit. He told me he was Saturated. He was tired and did not know what he wanted. Of course he is worrying about his job and where that will take him and what to do next and worrying about coworkers opportunities and what they will do or think. Oh... will he just consider his family first for just a minute?!?!? And what the hell does Saturated mean? I suggested we go to counseling if he is willing to work his ass off to make it work. If he is not willing to do that, he needs to respect me by telling me that. He did not make any commitment either way. What he did say is he was thinking of taking a promotion in another state, renting and apartment and leaving Alana and I here.
CRAP. What does all this mean? Are we going to council and work on our relationship? Are we going to remain married and live in separate states with him financially supporting us? Am I going to end up a divorcee with crap for a degree and a crappy paying job? I want to cause him bodily harm, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I want to make his life miserable and make him pay alimony and child support. I want to take her from him so it hurts. I want to cry and hide and make it all go away. When did this happen? How did this happen? What is really happening? Why is it happening? This is not what I signed up for when we got married. I signed up for life. Not for "until we don't want to work for it anymore" timeframe!
So he says he has felt this for many years. I agree it started when we became parents. He says it started before we got married. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED?!?!?!? What the hell are you talking about?! He said that is why it took him so long to propose. WHAT!?! HE was not sure. Then why did you ask me? He said it was because he thought it was the right thing to do. SO are you telling me that wasting the past 9 years married, 16 together, of my life was the "right thing to do." More feelings and fanaticize of hurting him come to surface.
About two hours of heated conversation, some screaming, a lot of shutting down, a lot of physical muscle ache and more crying than I have done in a long time... I could not take anymore. I could not have a rational thought. My face was swollen, my body was weak, and my spirit was finally broken. I took a nap.
When I woke it was time for Saturday night church. I decided to go alone. (He has never gone to church with me, but Alana goes.) In the car I decided that as much as I wanted to cause him harm I could not do that. I have to look to the Lord and let Him give me guidance. I have to trust in Him to show me the way I and our marriage should go. This gives me peace.
I am so glad I went to church. The sermon was about our human temptation to first turn towards revenge but the way to go is to listen to God. WOW! That was hitting the nail on the head! I needed to hear that. I see my choices are: to hate Bobby or to take care of me, through God. My choice is to take care of me and my daughter through the guidance of God. I feel this is a knock over my head to trust in God. He is teaching me to lean on Him. I just pray this is a road I must travel and at the end of this road I find a healthy marriage to Bobby and a healthy family too. ALWAYS GO GOD'S WAY. How do we do that? We prostrate in front of Him. We lay in front of Him vulnerable and asking for His guidance. We Listen to God, not to others. We think twice before we act and always take the road that God tells us to take. 1Samuel 24:15 "...God will set me free..."