How did we get here?

Originally written Sun Oct 19 10:00pm

How did we get here?
Sixteen years ago, September 6th, I met the man I was going to marry. That day I knew I was going to date him. The next day I saw him I knew I was in love. Two weeks later I knew I was going to marry him. We saw each other 6 out of 7 days every waking moment we could. I hardly slept for weeks. It was amazing. I was transferred out of town and we committed to living together so we did not loose our relationship.
Was that the day it began to end? Did we have any time of unconditional love?
November 1992 we moved in together. I was so happy.We had many challenges come up, my cervical displasia, another health scare and then a near totaled car accident. We rose to the occasion and made it through together. It seemed that we were going to keep working together through anything.
Was that the only time we worked together? Was that the last time I had any control, was it all going to end soon?
After a fast romance it hid a brick wall. Years of living together, and not proposal. We were going to get married someday, but he had to make the decision. He was not ready. I made excuses for him (bad relationships- gun shy- etc.) Friends told me to give him an ultimatum. I was not willing to turn and walk away if he said no. (Should I have stood my ground?) So I handed over control to him on a silver platter and he kept that platter to himself and still has a tight hold on it.
Do I give him a run for his money and grab that platter back? Or do I listen to the lawyer and let him have his platter and play the fairer parent to our beautiful little girl? What to do, how do I expel my anger?
Five and a half years after we met, he proposed. Nothing to write home about. He left a note and the box on a chair sitting there for me to find when I came home from work. Is this a red flag of many I should have "seen?" I thought he was just shy-ish. We did not commit to a date, after all he was interviewing for this big government job. The big government job owned our lives from that time on. Not until spring of 2008 did we know he would get the job, go away for training for 4 months, then we would move across country together. We would start driving on Thanksgiving 2008. So until the move was completed, we could not even begin to plan anything.
The move was initially tragic for me. Maine country girl moves to concrete jungle Los Angeles and is robbed the first weekend we were there. Our UHaul was broken into and we had NOTHING left. We had to start over. I lost precious family jewelry and I lost my self confidence and felt very vulnerable. We moved into our moldy dark apartment, went to work and had fun on our days off. We traveled the sights in southern CA. We had fun. When he was not home, I hid in the apartment afraid to go out. We were married the next September in Los Vegas. We got married in the little white chapel, a hint of church. We got married without any of his family there. We got married the day after we got the wedding certificate. God was never part of our life. We moved back to Marlyand the month his grandmother NyNy died, May 2000.
We lived in an apartment, found out we were pregnant. I finished my Education degree. I was so very very happy. We read pregnancy books. He talked to my belly. We looked at in utero pictures imagining the size of our own precious baby growing in my belly. Those days were precious and special to me. I can still feel the love for him filling my heart so full I felt my heart would burst. I could not imagine having any room left to love anyone else, even our new child. But there was so much room left. Room that opened up to be so big to let the love of a child move in.
How could that love for him. The love I said grew bigger each day, turn into fierce disgust? I am so sad that has fallen away. I am so sad my daughter will loose her fantasy family. I am sad my husband is not willing to try. I am sad my husband is not willing to put hisfamily first.
I am just so sad.