so today sucked. i got the paperwork....

last week he left a message saying the paperwork was filed and I needed to call his lawyer to go to the office and sign the paperwork. YEAH RIGHT! i can not believe he actually thought i would lay down and let him screw me. AGAIN!

my lawyer got the paperwork, and i piked it up today. he wants joint custody- when he can't stick to what it is now... that doesn't work. and he thinks i am going to pay for my own legal fees. well he is high again.... he is paying for it all. oh and the kicker is that he claims that without the actions of the defendant-me- the seperation would not be necessary. now i am just mad!

all i can think of is ... i put up with your sorry ass and you left me? now that is backwards!

so today sucked..

First Sleepover

Friday was Halloween. Typically my favorite holiday, I did not dress up for the first time in many many years.
Friday was the first night Alana spent the night at Bobby's apartment. Her experience there is still novel and fun. She has new Hannah Montanna sheets, can stay up late, and she can watch movies she is not allowed to watch here.
Last night after trick or treating they went out to dinner. Saturday they had pop tarts for breakfast, went golfing, went out to lunch and went shopping.
After coming home to me today, she kept asking to go shopping at wallmart because she wanted to shop. She was also very disrespectful by talking back and not doing what I asked of her and going against anything I asked.

UGH- another level of this adventure called divorce.

Now AOL has left me...

So first Bobby now my AOL blog. Well... raspberry to both of them (if you really know me, you know it is really a few choice words not a raspberry- he he he)
So this is why there are all those blogs posted all in one night.

It really started Sept 20 the first day of the rest of my life. The first day Bobby said he was "Saturated" (you know what I am thinking....

blog at you later

Chloe, Jesus and Golf

Originally written Thursday, October 30, 2008
7:39:06 PM Chloe, Jesus and Golf...
It was so funny today. My friend, my pastoral counselor, came to the car to meet Chloe. Chloe is our very cool dog who has one brown eye and one blue eye. Maryanne liked the little people on the side of our car. You know the ones... some people have flip flops for all the people in their family, others have stick people for each member... We have cute cartoon people. There is one- the man who golfs- that needs to be torn off. I suggested cutting the head off and have it look like it is rolling down the side of the car. All in the spirit of Halloween of course. She suggested replacing that with one of Jesus. NOW that is a good idea!! Jesus has always been there for me... Bobby has always been there for golf!

Can I rescue the Princess?

Originally written Saturday, October 25, 2008

Can I rescue the princess?
This past week my anxiety has been very hightened. I have been so concerned about the next level when we bring Alana into the journey of divorce. I have been so angry with Bobby for how he is handling this. I have been angry with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, maybe for not trying hard enough. I am soad that I can not rescue Alana and spare her of the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the isolation.
I remember asking Bobby a few times over the past few years... Please love Alana as much in the future as much as you love her today. My daddy was the world to me until one undefined day in sixth grade shen I was not longer his little girl. I seemingly became a source of his frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations and overall disgust. I have spent the past 27+ years trying to get his approval. I do not want Alana to have that with her daddy.
Now- is she going to follow the same cycle if he does not live with us, if he does not respect schedules, if he does not respect me, if he does not respect boundries... I don't know how to work through this part of the cycle. I just want to burst out in tears!!!
I want to kick his ass.
I want to rescue my little princess.

Last night we told Alana.
Well Bobby told Alana that he would be moving out so he and I do not fight as much anymore. He did a really awsoem jobe making sure she knows he loves her, no matter what. She was very intriqued with his new appartment. He promised her new things for the place, so that is new and exciting and right on to her love language of gifts. The night was pretty uneventful. Her biggest questions was after Bobby told her he would love her no matter where he lives. She asked if he would still love her if he moves to Los Angeles.(side note: He said of course, then that she would have to visit him ther for the summer. NO WAY JOSE!!! She is NOT going to loose the tradition of going to Maine in the summer!)
I think that this is the calm before the storm. Maybe it will be a big tornado of emotion in a week or so, maybe there will be little bursts of storms among the weeks. All I know to be true is God will be there for us. I will be there for Alana. I will love her through this. I will protect her the best I know how. I will try to parent her the best I can with the appropriate boundries and lots and lots of love.
Pray for each of us!

Can I rescue the Princess?

Originally written Saturday, October 25, 2008
5:57:44 PM

Can I rescue the princess?
This past week my anxiety has been very hightened. I have been so concerned about the next level when we bring Alana into the journey of divorce. I have been so angry with Bobby for how he is handling this. I have been angry with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, maybe for not trying hard enough. I am soad that I can not rescue Alana and spare her of the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the isolation.
I remember asking Bobby a few times over the past few years... Please love Alana as much in the future as much as you love her today. My daddy was the world to me until one undefined day in sixth grade shen I was not longer his little girl. I seemingly became a source of his frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations and overall disgust. I have spent the past 27+ years trying to get his approval. I do not want Alana to have that with her daddy.
Now- is she going to follow the same cycle if he does not live with us, if he does not respect schedules, if he does not respect me, if he does not respect boundries... I don't know how to work through this part of the cycle. I just want to burst out in tears!!!
I want to kick his ass.
I want to rescue my little princess.

Last night we told Alana.
Well Bobby told Alana that he would be moving out so he and I do not fight as much anymore. He did a really awsoem jobe making sure she knows he loves her, no matter what. She was very intriqued with his new appartment. He promised her new things for the place, so that is new and exciting and right on to her love language of gifts. The night was pretty uneventful. Her biggest questions was after Bobby told her he would love her no matter where he lives. She asked if he would still love her if he moves to Los Angeles.(side note: He said of course, then that she would have to visit him ther for the summer. NO WAY JOSE!!! She is NOT going to loose the tradition of going to Maine in the summer!)
I think that this is the calm before the storm. Maybe it will be a big tornado of emotion in a week or so, maybe there will be little bursts of storms among the weeks. All I know to be true is God will be there for us. I will be there for Alana. I will love her through this. I will protect her the best I know how. I will try to parent her the best I can with the appropriate boundries and lots and lots of love.
Pray for each of us!

How did we get here?

Originally written Sun Oct 19 10:00pm

How did we get here?
Sixteen years ago, September 6th, I met the man I was going to marry. That day I knew I was going to date him. The next day I saw him I knew I was in love. Two weeks later I knew I was going to marry him. We saw each other 6 out of 7 days every waking moment we could. I hardly slept for weeks. It was amazing. I was transferred out of town and we committed to living together so we did not loose our relationship.
Was that the day it began to end? Did we have any time of unconditional love?
November 1992 we moved in together. I was so happy.We had many challenges come up, my cervical displasia, another health scare and then a near totaled car accident. We rose to the occasion and made it through together. It seemed that we were going to keep working together through anything.
Was that the only time we worked together? Was that the last time I had any control, was it all going to end soon?
After a fast romance it hid a brick wall. Years of living together, and not proposal. We were going to get married someday, but he had to make the decision. He was not ready. I made excuses for him (bad relationships- gun shy- etc.) Friends told me to give him an ultimatum. I was not willing to turn and walk away if he said no. (Should I have stood my ground?) So I handed over control to him on a silver platter and he kept that platter to himself and still has a tight hold on it.
Do I give him a run for his money and grab that platter back? Or do I listen to the lawyer and let him have his platter and play the fairer parent to our beautiful little girl? What to do, how do I expel my anger?
Five and a half years after we met, he proposed. Nothing to write home about. He left a note and the box on a chair sitting there for me to find when I came home from work. Is this a red flag of many I should have "seen?" I thought he was just shy-ish. We did not commit to a date, after all he was interviewing for this big government job. The big government job owned our lives from that time on. Not until spring of 2008 did we know he would get the job, go away for training for 4 months, then we would move across country together. We would start driving on Thanksgiving 2008. So until the move was completed, we could not even begin to plan anything.
The move was initially tragic for me. Maine country girl moves to concrete jungle Los Angeles and is robbed the first weekend we were there. Our UHaul was broken into and we had NOTHING left. We had to start over. I lost precious family jewelry and I lost my self confidence and felt very vulnerable. We moved into our moldy dark apartment, went to work and had fun on our days off. We traveled the sights in southern CA. We had fun. When he was not home, I hid in the apartment afraid to go out. We were married the next September in Los Vegas. We got married in the little white chapel, a hint of church. We got married without any of his family there. We got married the day after we got the wedding certificate. God was never part of our life. We moved back to Marlyand the month his grandmother NyNy died, May 2000.
We lived in an apartment, found out we were pregnant. I finished my Education degree. I was so very very happy. We read pregnancy books. He talked to my belly. We looked at in utero pictures imagining the size of our own precious baby growing in my belly. Those days were precious and special to me. I can still feel the love for him filling my heart so full I felt my heart would burst. I could not imagine having any room left to love anyone else, even our new child. But there was so much room left. Room that opened up to be so big to let the love of a child move in.
How could that love for him. The love I said grew bigger each day, turn into fierce disgust? I am so sad that has fallen away. I am so sad my daughter will loose her fantasy family. I am sad my husband is not willing to try. I am sad my husband is not willing to put hisfamily first.
I am just so sad.

Remember I am valuable and Whole

Originally writtten Sun Sept 21 11:00pm

I have felt a whole spectrum of emotions in the past 24 hours. I have felt vengeful, hatred, beaten, betrayed, overwhelmed, hopeful, optimistic, lonely, afraid, unable, scared, pissed off, protective and so much more. I know that as mad and blind sided as I may feel about Bobby, I must remain strong and honor God with my actions.
Last night I talked with Hope at length. She is such a support. I had dinner with Janis, she just let me cry and let it all out, the good and the bad. What is amazing, to me, is that neither one of these close amazing friends were surprised. Why was I?
Tonight I asked Bobby to talk, about anything he wanted, about our talk yesterday. When I asked him about counseling he said what if he did not want to go. Well that means he does not. He is not wiling to work it out. He wants to leave. He does not know when or where he will go. I asked him if it will be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years...?? He laughed at the two years. I can not believe this is happening!
So I guess the road of counseling and repairing our marriage is all but blocked. So now what? I have to protect myself, my daughter. I have to be sure her security, her safety, her sense of worth is secure. I need to be sure she is ok. I need to protect myself. How?
I called Mom. She is great. She did not cry, I am so proud of her. She held strong, listened for two hours and gave me good advice. Take one day at a time. Don't do more than that. So I will. I will try to get through each day, save my crying for after Alana goes to bed. Right now my eyes are so swollen from crying I look like I have been in a fight. I don't think I have ever had such swollen eyes!
So is he going to get an apartment in town? IS he going to look for a promotion to take him out of state? Is he serious about moving to California? Will we remain married and live separately for months, years? What is going to happen?
Mom said to me she knows in her heart that five years from now I will be a much happier person. I told her that today I thought for half a moment that this may be the time where I can find that independent self confident woman I was inmy early 20's. I have been unhappy for a long time. I have hated Bobby so much in the past year.
Tonight I am going to bed and try to get some rest. I have to teach tomorrow, so my mind will be focused elsewhere.
God grant me the serenity... and the strength and desertion to know what to do next.
God- Thank you for hanging in with me even though I have not been with you much over the past few months. Thank you for urging me to run to you when I need you most, and in the future please remind me to stay with you through the good times too.

GOD will set me free

Thursday, October 30, 2008
7:39:06 PM EDT Feeling Mischievous Edit Entry Delete Entry
Chloe, Jesus and Golf...
It was so funny today. My friend, my pastoral counselor, came to the car to meet Chloe. Chloe is our very cool dog who has one brown eye and one blue eye. Maryanne liked the little people on the side of our car. You know the ones... some people have flip flops for all the people in their family, others have stick people for each member... We have cute cartoon people. There is one- the man who golfs- that needs to be torn off. I suggested cutting the head off and have it look like it is rolling down the side of the car. All in the spirit of Halloween of course. She suggested replacing that with one of Jesus. NOW that is a good idea!! Jesus has always been there for me... Bobby has always been there for golf!
Written by deasign Permalink Blog about this entry
This entry has 0 comments: Add your own
Saturday, October 25, 2008
5:57:44 PM EDT Feeling Anxious Hearing Ice skating music- mostly country Edit Entry Delete Entry
Can I rescue the princess?
This past week my anxiety has been very hightened. I have been so concerned about the next level when we bring Alana into the journey of divorce. I have been so angry with Bobby for how he is handling this. I have been angry with myself for not seeing the signs earlier, maybe for not trying hard enough. I am soad that I can not rescue Alana and spare her of the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the isolation.
I remember asking Bobby a few times over the past few years... Please love Alana as much in the future as much as you love her today. My daddy was the world to me until one undefined day in sixth grade shen I was not longer his little girl. I seemingly became a source of his frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations and overall disgust. I have spent the past 27+ years trying to get his approval. I do not want Alana to have that with her daddy.
Now- is she going to follow the same cycle if he does not live with us, if he does not respect schedules, if he does not respect me, if he does not respect boundries... I don't know how to work through this part of the cycle. I just want to burst out in tears!!!
I want to kick his ass.
I want to rescue my little princess.

Last night we told Alana.
Well Bobby told Alana that he would be moving out so he and I do not fight as much anymore. He did a really awsoem jobe making sure she knows he loves her, no matter what. She was very intriqued with his new appartment. He promised her new things for the place, so that is new and exciting and right on to her love language of gifts. The night was pretty uneventful. Her biggest questions was after Bobby told her he would love her no matter where he lives. She asked if he would still love her if he moves to Los Angeles.(side note: He said of course, then that she would have to visit him ther for the summer. NO WAY JOSE!!! She is NOT going to loose the tradition of going to Maine in the summer!)
I think that this is the calm before the storm. Maybe it will be a big tornado of emotion in a week or so, maybe there will be little bursts of storms among the weeks. All I know to be true is God will be there for us. I will be there for Alana. I will love her through this. I will protect her the best I know how. I will try to parent her the best I can with the appropriate boundries and lots and lots of love.
Pray for each of us!Written by deasign Permalink Blog about this entry
This entry has 0 comments: Add your own
Sunday, October 19, 2008
10:04:55 PM EDT Feeling Sad Edit Entry Delete Entry
How did we get here?
How did we get here?
Sixteen years ago, September 6th, I met the man I was going to marry. That day I knew I was going to date him. The next day I saw him I knew I was in love. Two weeks later I knew I was going to marry him. We saw each other 6 out of 7 days every waking moment we could. I hardly slept for weeks. It was amazing. I was transferred out of town and we committed to living together so we did not loose our relationship.
Was that the day it began to end? Did we have any time of unconditional love?
November 1992 we moved in together. I was so happy.We had many challenges come up, my cervical displasia, another health scare and then a near totaled car accident. We rose to the occasion and made it through together. It seemed that we were going to keep working together through anything.
Was that the only time we worked together? Was that the last time I had any control, was it all going to end soon?
After a fast romance it hid a brick wall. Years of living together, and not proposal. We were going to get married someday, but he had to make the decision. He was not ready. I made excuses for him (bad relationships- gun shy- etc.) Friends told me to give him an ultimatum. I was not willing to turn and walk away if he said no. (Should I have stood my ground?) So I handed over control to him on a silver platter and he kept that platter to himself and still has a tight hold on it.
Do I give him a run for his money and grab that platter back? Or do I listen to the lawyer and let him have his platter and play the fairer parent to our beautiful little girl? What to do, how do I expel my anger?
Five and a half years after we met, he proposed. Nothing to write home about. He left a note and the box on a chair sitting there for me to find when I came home from work. Is this a red flag of many I should have "seen?" I thought he was just shy-ish. We did not commit to a date, after all he was interviewing for this big government job. The big government job owned our lives from that time on. Not until spring of 2008 did we know he would get the job, go away for training for 4 months, then we would move across country together. We would start driving on Thanksgiving 2008. So until the move was completed, we could not even begin to plan anything.
The move was initially tragic for me. Maine country girl moves to concrete jungle Los Angeles and is robbed the first weekend we were there. Our UHaul was broken into and we had NOTHING left. We had to start over. I lost precious family jewelry and I lost my self confidence and felt very vulnerable. We moved into our moldy dark apartment, went to work and had fun on our days off. We traveled the sights in southern CA. We had fun. When he was not home, I hid in the apartment afraid to go out. We were married the next September in Los Vegas. We got married in the little white chapel, a hint of church. We got married without any of his family there. We got married the day after we got the wedding certificate. God was never part of our life. We moved back to Marlyand the month his grandmother NyNy died, May 2000.
We lived in an apartment, found out we were pregnant. I finished my Education degree. I was so very very happy. We read pregnancy books. He talked to my belly. We looked at in utero pictures imagining the size of our own precious baby growing in my belly. Those days were precious and special to me. I can still feel the love for him filling my heart so full I felt my heart would burst. I could not imagine having any room left to love anyone else, even our new child. But there was so much room left. Room that opened up to be so big to let the love of a child move in.
How could that love for him. The love I said grew bigger each day, turn into fierce disgust? I am so sad that has fallen away. I am so sad my daughter will loose her fantasy family. I am sad my husband is not willing to try. I am sad my husband is not willing to put hisfamily first.
I am just so sad.


Written by deasign Permalink Blog about this entry
This entry has 0 comments: Add your own
Sunday, September 21, 2008
11:30:50 PM EDT Feeling Exhausted Edit Entry Delete Entry
Remember I am valuable and whole
I have felt a whole spectrum of emotions in the past 24 hours. I have felt vengeful, hatred, beaten, betrayed, overwhelmed, hopeful, optimistic, lonely, afraid, unable, scared, pissed off, protective and so much more. I know that as mad and blind sided as I may feel about Bobby, I must remain strong and honor God with my actions.
Last night I talked with Hope at length. She is such a support. I had dinner with Janis, she just let me cry and let it all out, the good and the bad. What is amazing, to me, is that neither one of these close amazing friends were surprised. Why was I?
Tonight I asked Bobby to talk, about anything he wanted, about our talk yesterday. When I asked him about counseling he said what if he did not want to go. Well that means he does not. He is not wiling to work it out. He wants to leave. He does not know when or where he will go. I asked him if it will be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years...?? He laughed at the two years. I can not believe this is happening!
So I guess the road of counseling and repairing our marriage is all but blocked. So now what? I have to protect myself, my daughter. I have to be sure her security, her safety, her sense of worth is secure. I need to be sure she is ok. I need to protect myself. How?
I called Mom. She is great. She did not cry, I am so proud of her. She held strong, listened for two hours and gave me good advice. Take one day at a time. Don't do more than that. So I will. I will try to get through each day, save my crying for after Alana goes to bed. Right now my eyes are so swollen from crying I look like I have been in a fight. I don't think I have ever had such swollen eyes!
So is he going to get an apartment in town? IS he going to look for a promotion to take him out of state? Is he serious about moving to California? Will we remain married and live separately for months, years? What is going to happen?
Mom said to me she knows in her heart that five years from now I will be a much happier person. I told her that today I thought for half a moment that this may be the time where I can find that independent self confident woman I was inmy early 20's. I have been unhappy for a long time. I have hated Bobby so much in the past year.
Tonight I am going to bed and try to get some rest. I have to teach tomorrow, so my mind will be focused elsewhere.
God grant me the serenity... and the strength and desertion to know what to do next.
God- Thank you for hanging in with me even though I have not been with you much over the past few months. Thank you for urging me to run to you when I need you most, and in the future please remind me to stay with you through the good times too.
Written by deasign Permalink Blog about this entry
This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

2:27:49 PM EDT Edit Entry Delete Entry
God will set me free1 Samuel 24 "I'm No Rebel" 1-4 When Saul came back after dealing with the Philistines, he was told, "David is now in the wilderness of En Gedi." Saul took three companies—the best he could find in all Israel—and set out in search of David and his men in the region of Wild Goat Rocks. He came to some sheep pens along the road. There was a cave there and Saul went in to relieve himself. David and his men were huddled far back in the same cave. David's men whispered to him, "Can you believe it? This is the day God was talking about when he said, 'I'll put your enemy in your hands. You can do whatever you want with him.'" Quiet as a cat, David crept up and cut off a piece of Saul's royal robe.
5-7 Immediately, he felt guilty. He said to his men, "God forbid that I should have done this to my master, God's anointed, that I should so much as raise a finger against him. He's God's anointed!" David held his men in check with these words and wouldn't let them pounce on Saul. Saul got up, left the cave, and went on down the road.
8-13 Then David stood at the mouth of the cave and called to Saul, "My master!My king!" Saul looked back. David fell to his knees and bowed in reverence. He called out, "Why do you listen to those who say 'David is out to get you'? This very day with your very own eyes you have seen that just now in the cave God put you in my hands. My men wanted me to kill you, but I wouldn't do it. I told them that I won't lift a finger against my master—he's God's anointed. Oh, my father, look at this, look at this piece that I cut from your robe. I could have cut you—killed you!—but I didn't. Look at the evidence! I'm not against you. I'm no rebel. I haven't sinned against you, and yet you're hunting me down to kill me. Let's decide which of us is in the right. God may avenge me, but it is in his hands, not mine. An old proverb says, 'Evil deeds come from evil people.' So be assured that my hand won't touch you. 1 Samuel 18 12-16 Now Saul feared David. It was clear that God was with David and had left Saul. So, Saul got David out of his sight by making him an officer in the army. David was in combat frequently. Everything David did turned out well. Yes, God was with him. As Saul saw David becoming more successful, he himself grew more fearful. He could see the handwriting on the wall. But everyone else in Israel and Judah loved David. They loved watching him in action. (jealousy) 1 Samuel 22 Saul Murders the Priests of God
1-2 So David got away and escaped to the Cave of Adullam. When his brothers and others associated with his family heard where he was, they came down and joined him. Not only that, but all who were down on their luck came around—losers and vagrants and misfits of all sorts. David became their leader. There were about four hundred in all. Romans 12:17 (The Message)
17-19Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

1 Samuel 24:15 (The Message) 14-15 "What does the king of Israel think he's doing? Who do you think you're chasing? A dead dog? A flea? God is our judge. He'll decide who is right. Oh, that he would look down right now, decide right now—and set me free of you!

Saturated

The new school year has been a challenge. Bobby, my husband, had been out of town most of the first three weeks. Being a (married) single Mom at the start of school has been exhausting. My class has been good, but the new program has offered lots of challenges and late school days. Alana, my 7 year old daughter, has been amazing. She has stepped up and been flexible with my needs as a teacher. She is back to piano lessons and gymnastics and enjoying both.
Bobby returned from his work trip, and was more help away then at home. What I really mean is, the little break I expected from him never really came. He has not offered to tuck Alana in at night since the beginning of the summer or earlier. When he comes home from work now he takes a shower and retreats to the FROG ("finished room over garage" term used here in the south.) It is his MAN ROOM. When we moved here I thought it would be great for him to have his space so I did not have to hear loud sports all the time. Well it just put a deeper wedge into our marriage.
Marriage, what is it? Some of my friends say they married their best friend. I thought I did. Some friends love to be with their spouse. I used to. Some of my friends are cheating, hating or have abusive marriages. I don't describe my marriage that way. However we are missing many things I expected we would have in our marriage. We do not have communication. I heard on Oprah this week that the average couple speak only 12 minutes a day to each other. That is so sad!! No wonder our children in the schools are so messed up. Bobby and I hover around that 12 minutes... and it is all about bills and parenting. That is so sad!! We do not have intimacy. You know those women who say things like "my husband is coming home from his business trip and I will have to give it up tonight"? I hear that all the time. I have never had that experience in my marriage.
Well that is all reflective. Yesterday was Saturday sept 20,2008. Bobby took Alana and a friend to the amusement park. They had been planning it since Wednesday. Not once did Bobby invite me. As a mater of fact, he never told me about it, Alana did. Bobby did expect me to make the arrangements with the friend and her parents though. After they came home Bobby did his shower/FROG thing. I was ticked. He has not barely spoken to me all week and now this. I went upstairs and asked him when he was planning on talking to me next, it had been several days. No real answer. I asked him if he was happy living like this because it is miserable for me. He agreed it is a miserable way to live. This is when the saturated bomb hit. He told me he was Saturated. He was tired and did not know what he wanted. Of course he is worrying about his job and where that will take him and what to do next and worrying about coworkers opportunities and what they will do or think. Oh... will he just consider his family first for just a minute?!?!? And what the hell does Saturated mean? I suggested we go to counseling if he is willing to work his ass off to make it work. If he is not willing to do that, he needs to respect me by telling me that. He did not make any commitment either way. What he did say is he was thinking of taking a promotion in another state, renting and apartment and leaving Alana and I here.
CRAP. What does all this mean? Are we going to council and work on our relationship? Are we going to remain married and live in separate states with him financially supporting us? Am I going to end up a divorcee with crap for a degree and a crappy paying job? I want to cause him bodily harm, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I want to make his life miserable and make him pay alimony and child support. I want to take her from him so it hurts. I want to cry and hide and make it all go away. When did this happen? How did this happen? What is really happening? Why is it happening? This is not what I signed up for when we got married. I signed up for life. Not for "until we don't want to work for it anymore" timeframe!
So he says he has felt this for many years. I agree it started when we became parents. He says it started before we got married. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED?!?!?!? What the hell are you talking about?! He said that is why it took him so long to propose. WHAT!?! HE was not sure. Then why did you ask me? He said it was because he thought it was the right thing to do. SO are you telling me that wasting the past 9 years married, 16 together, of my life was the "right thing to do." More feelings and fanaticize of hurting him come to surface.
About two hours of heated conversation, some screaming, a lot of shutting down, a lot of physical muscle ache and more crying than I have done in a long time... I could not take anymore. I could not have a rational thought. My face was swollen, my body was weak, and my spirit was finally broken. I took a nap.
When I woke it was time for Saturday night church. I decided to go alone. (He has never gone to church with me, but Alana goes.) In the car I decided that as much as I wanted to cause him harm I could not do that. I have to look to the Lord and let Him give me guidance. I have to trust in Him to show me the way I and our marriage should go. This gives me peace.
I am so glad I went to church. The sermon was about our human temptation to first turn towards revenge but the way to go is to listen to God. WOW! That was hitting the nail on the head! I needed to hear that. I see my choices are: to hate Bobby or to take care of me, through God. My choice is to take care of me and my daughter through the guidance of God. I feel this is a knock over my head to trust in God. He is teaching me to lean on Him. I just pray this is a road I must travel and at the end of this road I find a healthy marriage to Bobby and a healthy family too. ALWAYS GO GOD'S WAY. How do we do that? We prostrate in front of Him. We lay in front of Him vulnerable and asking for His guidance. We Listen to God, not to others. We think twice before we act and always take the road that God tells us to take. 1Samuel 24:15 "...God will set me free..."