Fire Tower

I was driving to church the other day... a trip I have made weekly for the past 3 1/2 years... when suddenly an image flashed in my mind. It was quick.. and brought tears to my eyes.

Fire- my life... fire is powerful. It can be used for good... to destroy to then bring about new life. Fire can be devastating if ignored and not contained.

Tower- climb to the top... closer to Christ. Let him be the one to lead me out of the fire and thrive beyond it.

Simple.. To appreciate the tower.. there must be fire.

Spiraling

Following the Autumn tradition of worn out leaves falling from the branches to the forest floor below.... of course I procrastinate and do it a few weeks later. I have followed that same spiral decent. Not a one way trip however; zig zagging from the right and the wrong. Knowing the right way is up

segway- as I walk forward I have to watch the ground so I do not trip. I must STOP I must take a few moments throughout my day and LOOK UP. He is there watching me, waiting on me to ask HIM for help.

cont...Knowing the right way is up, I must stop when the gravitational pull is so strong and look UP to HIM. HE will deliver me out of the pull of sin and redirect me. It really IS simple; all I have to do it LOOK UP and ASK for HIM.

when I don't look up
when I don't put HIM first
when I allow the spiral to pull me down... zig zagging all the way between desire and His will... I get stuck.
Stuck in the Muck

The Muck is deep and grabs hold of my feet. It does allow me to move, but will not release me from its grasp. It has perserverance I do not have on my own. The patient muck likes me there... it covers my feet. I try to get away, it splashes up on my legs... the more I try to get out the muck flys throgh the air and lands on my body. I wipe it away but my hands get covered. I can not shake it off. The more I shake the more falls all over me. It is on my hands, my arms, it splashes on my face. The muck doesn't taste bad... this is surprising. I can not get away from it, maybe I should just enjoy it. The next thing I know I am rolling around like a swine after a good rain storm. The muck has covered me. I am thorougly enjoying the cool sensation all over me like an embrace. It is the WRONG embrace!

How did I get here?
Simple answer..
I stopped looking up EVERY DAY.

Long answer...
I listened to the wrong music
I listened to the wrong voice
I looked to the wrong inspiration
I looked to the wrong things to fill me
I wanted to hold the wrong things
I should have held the Bible more
I wanted to taste the sweet sugar of sin
I need to taste the nourishment of whole foods and the Word.
I did not honor my priorites or my Lord

I am so blessed with the ability to wake up, reflect and learn from my choices.
I was complacent in my success of the past year. I got cocky and woke up in the muck.
Dear God please smack me across the face and shake me when I stray from you. Throw the Bible upon my head, or across my hands. Pull me from the muck, shake me off, shower me in your holy waters and guide the way you have planned for me.

I have so many challenges ahead of me...
I will look up to you for guidence. I will stop and listen. Please show me what your will is for me. I will be patient for your answer, and will not be frustrated when your timing is before mine.

Blessed is the person who has Jesus in heart.

Blessed is the person who has a friend.

Blessed is the person who has potential to grow and wisdom to listen to HIM

Blessed is the person who is not complacent and wants to grow to be a better version of themselves.

Blessed is the person who is willing to do the hard work with HIM.

Blessed is the person who forgives themselves for playing in the muck, for GOD has already forgiven him.

Blessed is the person who has one other person willing to go through all the splashing in the muck to enjoy bathing in the word of the Lord together, doing the hard work together and becoming better versions of themselved togehter.

Blessed I am.

12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)

2010 is here

Well two hours into the new year.

The past week has been hard... but that is the past.

Right now is the future... so my goals are..

#1 GOD first
Love, family and friends will follow.

#2 know my priorities.. and follow them
faith- daily time with GOD
self improvement- take care of my health, college a priority
family health- a healthy mom is a healthy family
financial- tithe, safe, manage and prioritize.
fun- one really fun family event each month
unplug- one day a month.. or even one day a week!
give- of our time, our talents, our treasures... both of us.
bedtime- respect this time and embrace it!

I am sure there is more.. but it is 2am January 1,2010... time to sleep.

-Maria

I am sitting at starbucks.. thinking...

I have spent the better of the past 4 hours working on schoolwork at the wifi available starbucks. Quantitive Mathmatics is starting to burn a hole in my screen and in my head... so time to people watch for a bit.

A couple sits next to me.
20 ish.. definitly a "couple" because they are squabbling like they have been married for years.
He wants to sit outside, she wants to sit inside.
He says no- "it is too hot inside", she says "sit down, be still you will be fine for a few minutes. "
He sits, not still.
HE takes cigaretts out of his pocket, slams them on the table,apparently trying to make a point.
They stare at each other, not loving glances.
In no less than two minutes he gets up and leaves.
She.. duitifully or ingnorantly... follows.


So- I wonder.
Why are they together.
Does she like to be treated like this?
Does he like to treat her like this?
Do they like treating eachother like this?
Do they accept being treated like this?
Is the sex good? that is why they are together?
what is the reason?
what was my reason?
I felt too old!
when I settled
I felt like I would not get any better..
so I settled
I thought monetary provision was important
so I settled

I am so thankful (today the day after thanksgiving)
that I will not settle...
I have expectations, I will not settle less for
I have non-negotiables, I will not alter for
I have hopes and dreams, I will not alow to be squashed for
I will be admired, adored and appreciated, I will not settle for
I will be playful, mischevious, and hopeful, I will not settle for

My first love will be GOD. He will continue to praise my worthiness, my ability, provide his joy, love his beautiful child, and provide for me as long as I continue to talk to Him and love Him and listen to Him. As I continue to chose His will, and not the sins of the flesh, or of the world He will show me more than I can imagine!

I will be alone for as long as it takes for the right person to come into my life, join my life, enhance our lives and we both earn the right to create a life together.

God bless the longing in my heart for an amazing relationship with a man, the right timeing for that man, and acceptance of it being of your will, and desire to create a new, blended, healthy Godly family.
AMEN

ONE- Singular Sensation

(imagine the music playing.. then.. singing)

"One
Singular Sensation --- Every little step she makes."

(fade out)

That song has been ringing in my ears all morning.
I don't know how to be one.

I know how to be a mom
I know how to be a friend
I know how to be a daughter
I know how to be an Aunt
I know how to be a sister
I know how to be a teacher
I don't know how to be just me.

Who am I, what do I want, who do I want to be... when I am just one?

I want to be more than busy
I want to be fulfilled
I want to be more than obligated to my to do list
I want to wake up excited about the day
I want to no longer talk negatively to myself
I want to embrace the adventure of discovering myself again.

I want to learn who I am
I want to learn what it is that excites me
I want to embrace the new me that is just under the surface ready to explode and enjoy all life has to offer.

miss my bff

SO it is late at night... and I am alone.
so I am reading blogs.. which I wish I could do more often.
but I just read and got updated on my bff blog.

We both have been so busy with our own vacations and business of summer.
School starts this week and we are not going to have a shared child this year, so I will miss our daily adventures together.

I really thought after the end of last school year I would get "dumped" and she would move on. I must say I am so happy we have been able to see each other as much as we have. And I have a new name Aunt Madea, or sometimes just Madea. I love it.

Bff- you rock and I am glad we are going to get back into the swing of the schedule and lunch bunch again.

I am blessed to have you as a friend!
Love ya
Madea

Would the real Maria Dea stand up?

Who am I?
What do I want?
Why do I want what I want?
How far am I willing to go to get what I want?
but

What DO I want?
but
Who AM I?

So today was Biker Sunday. I really would love to ride a Harley. I once wanted to be a "Biker Bitch," yes that is what I called it. I wanted a teal Harley- I had it all picked out. I wanted the black leather and all.
But today, in this time period, I am a large woman trapped in the clothing style offered by the plus sized stores and conservative in nature.
Inside is some girl, maybe woman, who wants to get out.
Is she respectable and polished and shops at Talbots?
Is she organic, shopping at 2nd hand stores and wearing patchouli?
Is she that biker bitch with tats and leather?

I presume I may be somewhere between now and the biker bitch?
Or possibly a combination of all of the above.

Hmmm

God- please show me who I am, what I want and where I should go. I do know I am your child who is loved, I know I want to please you and I know I should continue to follow your path. I wonder what that looks like, who I will be with, and where it will take me.

I wonder will I know the real Maria Dea when she stands up?